To my "new" Best Friend

There is someone I have been talking to for almost a year.

He sort of just came out of no where in my life. 

I am glad he did though. 

He is a huge pain in my ass but even though he has a very strong personality, 

there is something in him that allows me to confined in him. 

He pretty much knows everything about me, 

more then the people who are supposed to be long time friends. 

Even though he gets irritated at me babbling on about both happy and depressing thoughts, 

he actually listens. 

he doesn't judge me and,

He finds some stupid ways to make me smile when I am upset. 

I care for him deeply,

Probably the first person I have been able to care for,

after the whole indecent.

He has brought back the humanity in me,

The darkness isn't there as much because of him,

and because of this,

All I want for him is the best. 

I want him to succeed. 

I want him to know there is some one here for him, 

to listen, 

to care for him.

I love him so much,

That I could not bare the thought of him not being in my life

Because even though he may not believe it, 

he is my best friend. 

Alice's Last Poem (The Crazzies Alice Poem 6)

Summer like days in the spring is what I love most,

Sitting on the roof, 

With a pair of shorts

And a good book to read.

Looking out in the distance and wondering what will be,
But most of all I love
The way nature just lets it be,
There is so much beauty that we ignore,
We don't take the time to just relax,
Breath
And let it all in
What I will miss most,
Is the way the sun felt on my skin,
The way it took me away,
I don't know what will happen once I leave,
But I just hope that my friends and family will love this Earth,
Like I have loved it.
Love the simplicity of it all,
And not let the complex eat it all up,
There is just so much to live for.
So much to do.
Some day we will meet again,
But until then,
I love you. 

Sunny Spring Day

"Even though it maybe awkward at first, it gets better, you want to know why, cause the best things come out of awkwardness" (Quote by Marta Flinn)

It's a strange day out. The clouds and the sun can not decide what they want to do. In the distance of everything, the court yard of the college is full with music, blasting through the air. As college students pass back and forth looking at the commotion. But nobody really stops to see. Only those curious enough actually do.

If you stop you realize that it's an event going on, where people are socializing, getting to know one another, in other words, its a club fair. But you wouldn't know that if you were just passing by. What you would see, would seem normal for a college atmosphere. Students dancing to the hip music. People clustering near the food. Oh did some one say free ice cream! Students run to the station. You see colorful shirts being hung, for there is a booth where you can decorate a shirt and make it fabulous. And if you dear, you will find chalk. Chalk sitting there, waiting for someone to pick it up. But who would think that chalk has anything to say.

As group of friends grab some of this chalk. They find themselves creating a galaxy, with the moon, sun, and stars. There is plenty of color. As the group of friends creates their piece, people stop and look. Wondering what is being created. A few even ask if they can join in. Of course they say yes. And this turns into human interaction, where there are no phones being used or social media. Just plain, simple fun. On a beautiful sunny spring day in California. Where new friendships are being created and happiness is being spread, and hope is being given.

One Year

After running into my ex fiance today as I exited my class,
The first thing that I did was pretend that I was calling some one,
In hopes that he would not bother on saying hello.
Then a tad bit late,
My body starts to react to the encounter,
I go numb and every inch of my body is shaking,
It's been exactly one year since he cheated on me.
And my body still reacts with disgust.
The thought of him overwhelms me.
The next thing that happens is,
I try to keep it together,
Well my whole body is telling me otherwise.
I find myself running to my car,
With out even thinking.
I am driving,
And just my luck John Legend's, "All of Me" comes on the radio
And instantly I find myself drowning in my tears.
I make it home,
I instantly bang eat,
Looking for anything to eat,
And I find myself making a brownie,
Not a whole sheet of brownies but just one brownie,
I mix some peanut butter into the batter.
As I am waiting for my one brownie to bake,
Millions of thoughts run through my head,
But I look at myself and say,
Hey,
You are okay,
You've made it this far,
You are strong,
and just because he cheated on you,
It doesn't mean you aren't beautiful, that you aren't a nice person
It just means that it's him who messed it up.
Look at where you are now.
You are stronger then ever,
You have goals,
Hell you've even dropped quiet a bit of weight,
You are on your way to joining the military,
You are getting things done,
You are grabbing a hold of life,
before life takes you.
You are enjoy yourself,
Treating yourself better,
You have learned to love yourself.
You've even learned from your mistakes,
You are a better person and
Eventually the thought of him or the site of him will not phase you anymore,
Why?
Because you have learned the one thing most people don't;

Self worth.

I am Worthy

This is for all the people out there who ever made me feel;

Useless,
Worthless,
Scared,
Afraid,
Unwanted,
Betrayed,
Hated,
Horrible,
Anxious,
Lonely

For making me think that I am not worthy of;

Love,
Friendship,
Honesty,
Beauty,
Worth,
Enjoyment,
Laughter,
Friendship,
Respect

I will no longer let you make me feel this way.
I will no longer keep you in my life.
I am done with the negative.
With the deceiving people out there.
I am worth so much more then what comes out of your mouth.
Because I have learned to see myself in a new light.

I have learned what it is to love yourself
And with this comes letting go of those who don't

For I am who I am.
And I will not change this
Because I love who I have become.

The Weight has been lifted

That moment of self distraction,
When you find out you have been holding on to nothing.
All the things you thought you knew
Aren't real anymore.
All the pain comes rushing so fast.
There's no time to breath.
No time to think.
All you can do,
Is cry.
With out really giving it much thought.
The pain in your chest, just hurts so much.
You begin to question everything.
Was it even real?
Or was it just a lie?
Did you cover up all the bad so you could just keep going
Hoping that it would get better.
That things would fix themselves.
But reality checked you.
Hit you right where it hurts.
As you begin to catch your breath again,
You realize that this moment maybe the worst ever,
But it may also be the best moment ever.
Because you are finally set free.
You can finally move forward.
And forget the past.
You can fly away,
To the distant sky

Alice's Death (The Crazzies Poem 5 Amy)

Never have I experienced such a heartbreak in my life. I never thought to stop and think, hey, just maybe I will feel this pain at my age. I just always figured this would happen years from now. When we have wrinkles on our faces and a thick sets of gray hair. But was I wrong. More wrong then I have ever been in my life.

I knew there was something wrong that Friday night. I hadn't talked to her in months. But we had this connection with each other. We knew when one of us wasn't feeling so great. Actually that whole week I felt odd, something that worried me inside. I drove by her house several times, but she was nowhere to be found.

Friday night was different. Well I was sleeping. I felt the need to gasp for air. Instantly I saw her face appear to me when I awoke. Her presence was in the room but then disappeared. I thought it was so weird. After that I couldn't sleep. She was on my mind. I was terribly worried. I couldn't figure out why I had seen her face. It would be days until I found out why this happened.

When I finally did found out why I saw her face appear in my sleep. It shocked me. As I reached for my phone to call one of her friends to see if the news was true.

She answered, as I heard her friend say, "yes it's true, she is gone." I began to sob. I could not believe it was true. I kept saying, "She was fine just a few days ago, she was fine, she was alive. It can't be true. Not my Alice, not my Alice." Everything became such a blur to me. And I hung up.

All the surrounding noises didn't seem to matter. It felt like time was still.

I tried to wrap my head around focusing on going to work.

I attempted to drive to work. But half way there, I just couldn't. I called the office and let them know the misfortune that had just happened in my life.

When I got home, the next person I called, was my ex. Because I wanted to let him know that she had passed. He had known for days. It upset me that he didn't have the decency  to tell me that my best friend was gone. The next thing he told me, would forever change my view on him. "I didn't wan to tell you, I figured if you really cared about her you would find out eventually." This pissed me off, and then he proceeded to saying, "Your strong, you can get through it alone."

When I hung up, I ran to my room. Screamed into my pillow and sunk into my bed. I didn't go out for a few hours. It took me a few days to even tell my parents what was going on in my life. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to say out loud.

I don't really believe in any higher power. But I do believe that it was her that night, when I gasped for air, trying to tell me goodbye. I told her that if she were to ever leave this world to tell me goodbye before she did. Perhaps that was her letting me know that she was no longer with us. Even if it was a bit discomforting.
I loved her more than anything. Hence, why I was so angry at my ex, for not thinking about calling me to let me know. She meant the world to me, for that girl I would of gone across the universe just to see her smile.
For her I would of done anything. Because when you love someone you would do anything, even if they never repay the favor. May you rest in peace Alice.

Photo "Journey"

                                         The peace of having the one you love next to you,
                                                 By your side down the long journey.
                                                                      Never alone

The thoughts keep running

Night after night,

I can't seem to fall asleep.

You are all that is ever in my head,

I guess it is true,

When you have loved someone so deeply

It is very hard to just brush them away.

It's hard to pretend like they were never a part of you,

I found all these little letters that you had written me.

And I found the little green book that you dedicated just for me,

I couldn't read it all because a few pages in I was already in tears.

Sometimes I really just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you how my day was,

But then I remember you aren't part of my life anymore.

When I am sad, I want to text you,

To come over and hold me tight,

But I can't do that anymore because you wont reply.

Instead I lay in my bed thinking of you, 

Of us,

And how great it was,

It's so depressing,

You've probably already moved on,

But a broken heart takes a long time to heal,

I already know,

That it may take me years to get over you,

It's already been months,

But it feel like a life time with out you by my side,

Because

Nobody is going to be able to replace you.

I AM......

I am the worst kind of person,
I am unpredictable,
I am a mess,
A storm ready to hit.
But it's not like I hide it.
I make it pretty apparent what kind of person I am.
I probably speak my mind too much,
Which can get me into trouble,
I don't make sense.
I get too emotionally involved with everything I do.
I am too nice, which can cause me to be mistreated,
But there is a dark side to me.
If you get on my bad side you better duck and cover.
I am be impulsive.
I can be a major bitch at times, and I wont deny it, because it's true.
My anger can get the best of me (but it is rare that it does)
It can cause me too act irrationally,
Sometimes I will even punch a wall to release my demons out.
I do really random things,
Some that don't even make sense to me.
I'd rather be alone then be around people.
When things are good for me,
I tend to find something to sabotage my happiness,
Because I feel like I don't deserve it.
Which leads me to the next thing;
I don't believe in love,
Because my heart has been toyed with too many times,
But it doesn't mean I wont find it again.
I see good in everyone (even the bad ones)
I like chocolate too much, well correction I LOVE chocolate,
I don't tell people how I feel because I'd rather focus on them.
I will change the subject if I don't want to talk about something.
And most of all,
I am an honest person.
don't hide who I am.
I am a monster,
I probably have more flaws then good attributes,
But I am a beautiful monster

Nightmares from the past (Poem 1)

As I sat on the couch, my heart began to race.
The blood running through my veins went faster.
I knew that I was not okay.
I could smell the scent of him coming towards me.
The floor creaking by each step that he took.
The musky smell of his cologne getting stronger.
There was nowhere to go.
I couldn't hide from him, he would find me.
I couldn't yell because he would just put his hand around my mouth to make me quiet.
If I told the neighbors they wouldn't believe me, nobody would.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to scream.
And before I knew it,
He was standing right in front of me.
He was staring right at me,
With those evil eyes.
He promised me, if I cooperated that it wouldn't hurt,
but I knew he was lying.
I closed eyes hoping that it was just a dream.
But it wasn't,
It was my reality.
_Marta_Flinn_

Recap of my past year! hahaha sorry maybe a bit depressing

So I am going to do the cliché thing and talk about the sum up of this marvelous year, 2013. How can I explain this past year? Well it was defiantly something I would not want to do again. I went through some pretty uncomfortable situations. From getting really sick in the beginning of the year. To breaking up with my fiancé, whom I had been with for a few years because he had cheated. But I think the relationship was most likely destined to fail eventually because we were on different levels. The break up I would possibly want to redo because I didn’t like the way we said goodbye. But there isn’t much I can do about that. Why? Because he won’t even talk to me now. But I suppose that is his lose, not mine. I spent many months trying to get a hold him. To be able to say what I wanted in person. But he never did respond. I saw him twice after losing my best friend to her suicide.  I was still madly in love with him. Something that he doesn’t know is the reason why I was crying when I saw him was because I could not believe how much pain we had caused each other. And how could we live with ourselves? I am not even sure if I have gotten over him. I can’t lie I think about every day. But as each day goes I think about less and less because his silence has driven me mad, and I am not sure if I want to keep going mad, or if it is even worth anymore.

My friend's suicide tore me to pieces. I never wanted her to feel the pain that she felt.I spent months with her before she decided to end her life. We made so many memories over the years. I still really miss her. Tonight I went back to where she took her last breath. It made me so upset. This place was full of many memories with her. The sky was so clear, you could see all the stars. It just made me wonder how she had the guts to end her life in such a beautiful place. I got really light headed thinking about it. I am just glad that I had a friend with me. He didn't have to be there with me but I am truly thankful that he was. It made it much easier. And it was also the first time I had actually spoken about what I was feeling. Having him there made me in a way feel safe. Safe to break down and talk about it, but of course I still had my walls up, but it is a start. I will never forget my lovely friend, who ended her life. She was too good of a soul to leave so soon. I love you Alyssa.

After my heart got “broken," not just from my ex but my best friend, I decided to join the gym. Start focusing on something other than him and her. But then I started this weird obsession with it. And am still doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel good. And I think I am starting to look more like my normal self, and less depressed.  But then this is when it got a bit too far. I decided that I will be joining the military sometime in 2014. So I started to train for this. Which I am still doing and won’t stop until I reach it.  This past year has taught me a lot. I am not sure if these lessons are good or bad, but I will find out soon enough. 

Myself

                                                   Photograph by Edenne G Flinn

                                                      Where ever you maybe on this Earth,
                                                There will always be beauty to be found
                                    Adventures to be made
                          Joy to be turned into laughter.
             Memories to be captured.
                                                     We will meet a thousand people in our life time,
                                                                 But the person we get to know best is our selves.
                                                                         So don't change who you are,
                                                                               Change your ways,
                                                                                      To a knew destination,
                                                         Where you can challenge not just your body, but mind as well.
                                            To push yourself to the limits you believed you could not,
                                Once you have reached this,
                       You will find a better understanding of who you are.
                                                                               I have no New Year's resolution.
                                                                                        I will continue to do what I have been doing,
                                                        Creating the best version of myself.


P.S. Happy New Years to everyone who reads my blog, and thank you! Hope this New Year is filled with joy! Happy Holidays

Loose Control NOW

As I smashed my hand into the wall,
I realized what a monster I had become.
What has happened to me
This isn't me.
Or is it?
Maybe I have just been taming this evil person inside of me for too long.
It's been waiting to explode,
Make people upset.
To create chaos.
Maybe madness is what I need.
The feeling of finally loosing control,
After attempting so hard to keep it cool.
But maybe I just can't anymore.
I just need the inner beast to be set free,
From the cage that has been holding it back.
Madness
Give me MADNESS
That's what I NEED
So I'll punch this wall a little harder
Scream a little louder
So that way
You will know my PAIN.
_Marta_Flinn_

His face, Her face

It's a bitter-sweet moment when you realize that you have made it through. I for one have probably had one of the worst years of my life, thus far. But I would not change what happened. Although I am still deeply hurt by plenty of the events in the past year. It has helped me view things differently. I am not yet sure if this is going to be a good thing or bad thing. Because I have honestly just begun my healing process from all the wounds. It has taken me months to just be okay, well at least barely okay. The "bad" thoughts don't run through my head as much. But both their faces still do. Their words.

His face. My ex-boyfriend, which totally sounds bizarre saying, because up until now, I haven't really refereed to him as that. I have totally ignored that phrase "ex". What does that even mean? To me it just sounds like your marking or scribbling this person out of your life. Throwing them away, like they were never there. Which I am sure he is probably doing as I write. For some weird reason, my mind wont let me forget. Or in other words, won't let me "ex" this person out of my mind. Maybe I am just crazy, or obsessed. Or even worse; still in denial about what happened. My head just can't wrap around the fact that this person, that I loved so deeply, could treat me so horrible. Then again, I wasn't that great myself, but did I deserve what happened? Sometimes it makes me wonder, that I did in fact deserve it. Because I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. I couldn't express how I felt because of all these layers that have been mounted on top of each other for years. That is probably the one thing that I regret most. Instead of opening up to him. I would get angry because he cared, and that I was not used to. Maybe that is why he confined in my best friend. Because she was a gentle soul, a caring, beautiful person. Something that I could never be.

Her face. My best friend, or at least I thought she was. I still can't believe that she did that to me. How could she? When she knew, I loved him. I wanted to marry him, have his kids, and eventually live a simple life. She, herself would tell me how lucky I was to have found someone who loved me, for me. I am not sure what went through her head. I don't want to know honestly. Every time I think of this. It just makes me so sick. The two people that I loved most in this world, did something to hurt me. And as much as I try not to remember what happened. It is so hard to do. When ever I think of her now, that horrible thing is linked to her name, engraved into my brain forever. All I want is to remember her as my best friend. The one who was there for me when no one else was. Who would do stupid things just to make me laugh. The one that would pick me up, drive around town like crazy. And listen to what I had to say. From my first pregnancy scare. To late nights at the drive-thru of Taco Bell, ordering crunchy wrap supreme.

When I found out about her death. I  was torn. So torn. Because I hadn't talked to her since the day I said goodbye, in May. My heart just couldn't stand her anymore. I couldn't trust her because she was one of the reason why my heart was so broken. And he was one of the reasons it is so broken. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just had it coming. I knew that my happiness wouldn't last forever. And I knew our relationship wasn't always good. But he was my other half and I still feel empty with out him. But maybe he was my one true love, but I wasn't his.

I  remember, I stood at the top of my stairs. I cried. Screamed even. So angry, because I had to find out that she was dead, through Facebook. He didn't even have the balls to call me, and let me know. That my best friend was dead. And I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold her one last time. And there is nothing I can do to change it. She is gone.

So many events have happened. It's just so hard to know who I am anymore. To be honest. I had moments of doubt, I still do. I didn't think I would be okay. But I am still here. I am living. Even though it is hard at times. But I am choosing to move forward, not because I have to. But because I want to. I am moving forward because there is more out there, then the world that has surrounded me for years. Although it is uncomfortable to think about. It has made me see myself in a new light. I am not weak. I am not afraid. Why? Because I am who I am. The parts that didn't work out, don't have to be the reason why I limit myself. In fact, they are the reason why I am still moving forward. That stubbornness that probably ruined my relationship with the two most important people in my life. Is the reason why I find something to smile about once again.

Just Say It

Truth is,

I still think about you everyday

I hate it.

It drives me nuts.

The smell of you still lingers in my room even though its been months.

I cant seem to get your voice out

All the memories,

The things that were our things

How am I supposed to get over you?

The person I was going to spend the rest of my life with?

When I have all these tokens of our "love"

Get out.

My heart take it anymore.

But I don't have the courage to burn everything

To put you behind

Because you haven't said what I need to hear,
To set me free from this pain.
But I don't think you ever will.
Because you are not strong enough to say;
I don't love you anymore. 

Clear (The Crazzies Alice)

I woke up this morning with,
Less pain in my heart,
Less anger at myself,
Less hatred towards everything.
My body is relaxed,
Something not normal for me,
My mind is cleared,
It's somewhat of a relief,
There are still little pieces of hurt,
But they aren't over powering,
For the first time in months I am better,
I am finally able to breath for a few minutes.
Enjoy life.
I can't remember the last time I felt so free.
Not in closed by all the pressures of life.
It's just me.
Laying here,
In the precious silence.
I know my decision now.

Sadness doesn't stay for long
Buy a new dress,
Get all dressed up
And have some fun.
Still to young to be grieving so much.
So much life ahead,
Be thankful for being alive,
Be thankful for being here,
In this world of beauty.
Bad things happen,
But bad things are not meant to stay.
We all have our moments of doubts,
Where we feel so little,
But we are not alone
We all have these thoughts,
And the good thing to know,
Is that at the end,
None of us make it out alive,
But that is okay.
Because we all have the same destiny,
Death,
But death is not what defines us.
It's how we spent the years before our death.
It's the happiness that we created.

In your arms

The first thing that pops into my mind is you

The way you used to lay next to me,

Your arms wrapped around me,

Protecting me from all the evils out there

And in your embrace I felt safe,

Safer then I had ever felt in my life.

There was something about you,

As my head lay on your chest.

Listening to the sound of your heart beat

I knew I was loved.

You didn't have to tell me.

I would look into your eyes,

And they would speak for themselves.

Oh how I miss your eyes.

The way they looked at me.

Like I was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.

The way you would get that dorky smile when I finally realized you had been staring.

And then I would lean in for a kiss.

The warmth of your lips against mine,

Woke up my body.

You were my home.

No matter where I was.

And even now,

I still feel like you are.

Even though we wont ever be again.

_Marta_Flinn_

Drifting Away (The Crazzies Poem 4 Alice)

I sit here on the roof

Looking at all the beauty that is around me

But why is it that I don't feel part of it?

I don't know who I am anymore.

How could I do what I did to her.

She will never forgive me.

I can't believe what is happening to me

I look in the mirror 

And nothing

I see no reflection

Because I feel nonexistent
Who am I?
I feel like I just want to explode.
But they are both in the room.
I know she cares for me,
She doesn't have to be here.
But she is.
After everything I've done to her.
How can she be so strong.
I know she is hurting inside,
But she is hiding it for me.
I feel like a horrible person.
I know she loves him.
Why did I do it?
Is it because I was jealous of what they had.
Because I don't have it.
Is it because I actually have feelings for him?
Or is it because he is the only man I have been around for the past year.
I can't say why I did it.
And I can't look at her,
Because I know,
She has a broken heart now.
I took something away from her.
The man that she loved.
And yet she is sitting there,
Trying to keep me from doing any harm to myself.
The old me would have never done this,
But I just keep drifting away further and further each day.