Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Recap of my past year! hahaha sorry maybe a bit depressing

So I am going to do the cliché thing and talk about the sum up of this marvelous year, 2013. How can I explain this past year? Well it was defiantly something I would not want to do again. I went through some pretty uncomfortable situations. From getting really sick in the beginning of the year. To breaking up with my fiancé, whom I had been with for a few years because he had cheated. But I think the relationship was most likely destined to fail eventually because we were on different levels. The break up I would possibly want to redo because I didn’t like the way we said goodbye. But there isn’t much I can do about that. Why? Because he won’t even talk to me now. But I suppose that is his lose, not mine. I spent many months trying to get a hold him. To be able to say what I wanted in person. But he never did respond. I saw him twice after losing my best friend to her suicide.  I was still madly in love with him. Something that he doesn’t know is the reason why I was crying when I saw him was because I could not believe how much pain we had caused each other. And how could we live with ourselves? I am not even sure if I have gotten over him. I can’t lie I think about every day. But as each day goes I think about less and less because his silence has driven me mad, and I am not sure if I want to keep going mad, or if it is even worth anymore.

My friend's suicide tore me to pieces. I never wanted her to feel the pain that she felt.I spent months with her before she decided to end her life. We made so many memories over the years. I still really miss her. Tonight I went back to where she took her last breath. It made me so upset. This place was full of many memories with her. The sky was so clear, you could see all the stars. It just made me wonder how she had the guts to end her life in such a beautiful place. I got really light headed thinking about it. I am just glad that I had a friend with me. He didn't have to be there with me but I am truly thankful that he was. It made it much easier. And it was also the first time I had actually spoken about what I was feeling. Having him there made me in a way feel safe. Safe to break down and talk about it, but of course I still had my walls up, but it is a start. I will never forget my lovely friend, who ended her life. She was too good of a soul to leave so soon. I love you Alyssa.

After my heart got “broken," not just from my ex but my best friend, I decided to join the gym. Start focusing on something other than him and her. But then I started this weird obsession with it. And am still doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel good. And I think I am starting to look more like my normal self, and less depressed.  But then this is when it got a bit too far. I decided that I will be joining the military sometime in 2014. So I started to train for this. Which I am still doing and won’t stop until I reach it.  This past year has taught me a lot. I am not sure if these lessons are good or bad, but I will find out soon enough. 

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