Friday, December 20, 2013

His face, Her face

It's a bitter-sweet moment when you realize that you have made it through. I for one have probably had one of the worst years of my life, thus far. But I would not change what happened. Although I am still deeply hurt by plenty of the events in the past year. It has helped me view things differently. I am not yet sure if this is going to be a good thing or bad thing. Because I have honestly just begun my healing process from all the wounds. It has taken me months to just be okay, well at least barely okay. The "bad" thoughts don't run through my head as much. But both their faces still do. Their words.

His face. My ex-boyfriend, which totally sounds bizarre saying, because up until now, I haven't really refereed to him as that. I have totally ignored that phrase "ex". What does that even mean? To me it just sounds like your marking or scribbling this person out of your life. Throwing them away, like they were never there. Which I am sure he is probably doing as I write. For some weird reason, my mind wont let me forget. Or in other words, won't let me "ex" this person out of my mind. Maybe I am just crazy, or obsessed. Or even worse; still in denial about what happened. My head just can't wrap around the fact that this person, that I loved so deeply, could treat me so horrible. Then again, I wasn't that great myself, but did I deserve what happened? Sometimes it makes me wonder, that I did in fact deserve it. Because I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. I couldn't express how I felt because of all these layers that have been mounted on top of each other for years. That is probably the one thing that I regret most. Instead of opening up to him. I would get angry because he cared, and that I was not used to. Maybe that is why he confined in my best friend. Because she was a gentle soul, a caring, beautiful person. Something that I could never be.

Her face. My best friend, or at least I thought she was. I still can't believe that she did that to me. How could she? When she knew, I loved him. I wanted to marry him, have his kids, and eventually live a simple life. She, herself would tell me how lucky I was to have found someone who loved me, for me. I am not sure what went through her head. I don't want to know honestly. Every time I think of this. It just makes me so sick. The two people that I loved most in this world, did something to hurt me. And as much as I try not to remember what happened. It is so hard to do. When ever I think of her now, that horrible thing is linked to her name, engraved into my brain forever. All I want is to remember her as my best friend. The one who was there for me when no one else was. Who would do stupid things just to make me laugh. The one that would pick me up, drive around town like crazy. And listen to what I had to say. From my first pregnancy scare. To late nights at the drive-thru of Taco Bell, ordering crunchy wrap supreme.

When I found out about her death. I  was torn. So torn. Because I hadn't talked to her since the day I said goodbye, in May. My heart just couldn't stand her anymore. I couldn't trust her because she was one of the reason why my heart was so broken. And he was one of the reasons it is so broken. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just had it coming. I knew that my happiness wouldn't last forever. And I knew our relationship wasn't always good. But he was my other half and I still feel empty with out him. But maybe he was my one true love, but I wasn't his.

I  remember, I stood at the top of my stairs. I cried. Screamed even. So angry, because I had to find out that she was dead, through Facebook. He didn't even have the balls to call me, and let me know. That my best friend was dead. And I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold her one last time. And there is nothing I can do to change it. She is gone.

So many events have happened. It's just so hard to know who I am anymore. To be honest. I had moments of doubt, I still do. I didn't think I would be okay. But I am still here. I am living. Even though it is hard at times. But I am choosing to move forward, not because I have to. But because I want to. I am moving forward because there is more out there, then the world that has surrounded me for years. Although it is uncomfortable to think about. It has made me see myself in a new light. I am not weak. I am not afraid. Why? Because I am who I am. The parts that didn't work out, don't have to be the reason why I limit myself. In fact, they are the reason why I am still moving forward. That stubbornness that probably ruined my relationship with the two most important people in my life. Is the reason why I find something to smile about once again.

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