A New Year is Coming

There is a New Year coming around,
And I've been thinking as to what I would like to change
But the more I think about it the more I say
"Wait a minute I don't want to change anything"
I am happy with who I am
But what I am not happy with is my actions
They are how ever my actions
The choices I have made over the past few months have changed my life
I am not studying in New York like I planned
I was but my anxiety took the best of me
I am still living in the past as much as I hate to admit that
I am not happy with my family
I am just not happy with how my actions have lead me to
But I am happy for the person that I am
And how I have dealt with these "mishaps"
I know that my mother has no respect for me and my plans for the future,
But if she does I wish she would show them
My siblings are strangers to me
And I my self keep pushing these people way
I think in a sense this past year what has really happened
Is loosing touch with the things that make me feel alive
It's never really been my family,
And it has taken me this long to realize,
That the only persons real approval I need is myself.
So this coming year
I am going to do things that make me happy,
If that is finally getting the courage to going back to school in New York then it shall,
Or if it is taking a new challenge and moving to a different state or country,
Maybe volunteering my time with people who need it,
Or just making new wonderful memories,
Reconnecting with people that I have pushed away,
Even being more vulnerable
What I really want is to just be me
And not let my (monster) eat me alive
I want to be at peace for once
_Marta Flinn_

A HOLIDAY GREETING

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE AND

HAPPY NEW YEAR

THERE IS A LOT WE MAY TAKE FOR GRANTED BUT ALWAYS HOLD CLOSE THE ONE'S  YOU LOVE

FOR THEY MAY NOT BE HERE THE NEXT DAY

AND LIVE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW

SMILE LIKE YOU FEEL NO PAIN

AND ENJOY YOURSELF

PLEASE BEAR WITH THE JINGLE BELLS VIDEO 

AND 

HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS AND ANY ONE THAT YOU HOLD CLOSE!!!!!

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR

The Anxiety of an Adoptive famliy

It's always been a family of four,
And one being forgotten
Reality is there is one more person
I am that hidden person
The one that's gets blamed for everything
That one who pushes and pushes to get attention
But gets none
The one who tries to over achieve
Has develop a disorder
Who is going mad to be approved
It's like I am a ghost
It's like I am not here
When I speak they think it's going to be negative
Never giving me a chance
I don't know what to do
I feel like I have been neglected these whole 13 years that I have been adopted
Truth is these people may never understand me
I feel alone
I feel worthless
And I feel ashamed of who I am
I wish I could just run away
But wait I can
I am an adult
Why am I letting what they say get in the way?
Do I not have enough self esteem to keep going
All I want is to be heard
All I want is to be loved
But this I feel none
Shouldn't these people that adopted be more loving?
Shouldn't I be able to speak?
Why do I feel like I am enclosed
Why can I not breath?
I just want to be set free

Change is a huge deal.
We take too many things for granted
I know I do,
How many of us wake up in the morning and instantly start judging our self image,
We don't even take the time to notice that we are still alive,
Breathing
We don't notice how many people die per day
We don't notice those around us who are morning for loved ones
Our world is only us
What happens when this no longer is just about us?
What if some one we love just got shot.
Then what do we do?
How do we react
Silence?
Crying?
Screaming?
Even maybe sometimes laughter?
This is to the most current events happening nation wide.
To the men and women and children in Connecticut, USA,
To the children in Hiben, China who got stabbed
To the children and women who are suffering in the Middle East,
To our loved ones who we take for granted that we have lost,
To the people who have committed suicide,
To those lost souls who were lost in the whole world
 You will not be forgotten

I am lost

I have failed
I'm not sure how I got to where I am
But the more I look back at my actions
And the current ones,
I find myself failing even more
I have no clue which direction I am going
Sometimes I forget how to put my shirts on the correct way
I am truly afraid of where my life is going
But what do I do?
I have no true guidance
Who do I reach out to that I can actually trust?
I have no clue
Where I am going
Which direction is north or south
I have these amazing ideas
but i just don't know
Maybe my fear is what is holding me back from my potential
Or perhaps not taking chance
I am not sure
I just know that I want to do something
I want to be something
I want to feel whole
not broken into pieces
I don't care if I am rich or famous
Just want to feel content with life
I want something more out of life
I want to achieve the greatest me
Where its something silly or crazy.....
my only problem is
where do I start?