Alice's Death (The Crazzies Poem 5 Amy)

Never have I experienced such a heartbreak in my life. I never thought to stop and think, hey, just maybe I will feel this pain at my age. I just always figured this would happen years from now. When we have wrinkles on our faces and a thick sets of gray hair. But was I wrong. More wrong then I have ever been in my life.

I knew there was something wrong that Friday night. I hadn't talked to her in months. But we had this connection with each other. We knew when one of us wasn't feeling so great. Actually that whole week I felt odd, something that worried me inside. I drove by her house several times, but she was nowhere to be found.

Friday night was different. Well I was sleeping. I felt the need to gasp for air. Instantly I saw her face appear to me when I awoke. Her presence was in the room but then disappeared. I thought it was so weird. After that I couldn't sleep. She was on my mind. I was terribly worried. I couldn't figure out why I had seen her face. It would be days until I found out why this happened.

When I finally did found out why I saw her face appear in my sleep. It shocked me. As I reached for my phone to call one of her friends to see if the news was true.

She answered, as I heard her friend say, "yes it's true, she is gone." I began to sob. I could not believe it was true. I kept saying, "She was fine just a few days ago, she was fine, she was alive. It can't be true. Not my Alice, not my Alice." Everything became such a blur to me. And I hung up.

All the surrounding noises didn't seem to matter. It felt like time was still.

I tried to wrap my head around focusing on going to work.

I attempted to drive to work. But half way there, I just couldn't. I called the office and let them know the misfortune that had just happened in my life.

When I got home, the next person I called, was my ex. Because I wanted to let him know that she had passed. He had known for days. It upset me that he didn't have the decency  to tell me that my best friend was gone. The next thing he told me, would forever change my view on him. "I didn't wan to tell you, I figured if you really cared about her you would find out eventually." This pissed me off, and then he proceeded to saying, "Your strong, you can get through it alone."

When I hung up, I ran to my room. Screamed into my pillow and sunk into my bed. I didn't go out for a few hours. It took me a few days to even tell my parents what was going on in my life. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to say out loud.

I don't really believe in any higher power. But I do believe that it was her that night, when I gasped for air, trying to tell me goodbye. I told her that if she were to ever leave this world to tell me goodbye before she did. Perhaps that was her letting me know that she was no longer with us. Even if it was a bit discomforting.
I loved her more than anything. Hence, why I was so angry at my ex, for not thinking about calling me to let me know. She meant the world to me, for that girl I would of gone across the universe just to see her smile.
For her I would of done anything. Because when you love someone you would do anything, even if they never repay the favor. May you rest in peace Alice.

Photo "Journey"

                                         The peace of having the one you love next to you,
                                                 By your side down the long journey.
                                                                      Never alone

The thoughts keep running

Night after night,

I can't seem to fall asleep.

You are all that is ever in my head,

I guess it is true,

When you have loved someone so deeply

It is very hard to just brush them away.

It's hard to pretend like they were never a part of you,

I found all these little letters that you had written me.

And I found the little green book that you dedicated just for me,

I couldn't read it all because a few pages in I was already in tears.

Sometimes I really just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you how my day was,

But then I remember you aren't part of my life anymore.

When I am sad, I want to text you,

To come over and hold me tight,

But I can't do that anymore because you wont reply.

Instead I lay in my bed thinking of you, 

Of us,

And how great it was,

It's so depressing,

You've probably already moved on,

But a broken heart takes a long time to heal,

I already know,

That it may take me years to get over you,

It's already been months,

But it feel like a life time with out you by my side,

Because

Nobody is going to be able to replace you.

I AM......

I am the worst kind of person,
I am unpredictable,
I am a mess,
A storm ready to hit.
But it's not like I hide it.
I make it pretty apparent what kind of person I am.
I probably speak my mind too much,
Which can get me into trouble,
I don't make sense.
I get too emotionally involved with everything I do.
I am too nice, which can cause me to be mistreated,
But there is a dark side to me.
If you get on my bad side you better duck and cover.
I am be impulsive.
I can be a major bitch at times, and I wont deny it, because it's true.
My anger can get the best of me (but it is rare that it does)
It can cause me too act irrationally,
Sometimes I will even punch a wall to release my demons out.
I do really random things,
Some that don't even make sense to me.
I'd rather be alone then be around people.
When things are good for me,
I tend to find something to sabotage my happiness,
Because I feel like I don't deserve it.
Which leads me to the next thing;
I don't believe in love,
Because my heart has been toyed with too many times,
But it doesn't mean I wont find it again.
I see good in everyone (even the bad ones)
I like chocolate too much, well correction I LOVE chocolate,
I don't tell people how I feel because I'd rather focus on them.
I will change the subject if I don't want to talk about something.
And most of all,
I am an honest person.
don't hide who I am.
I am a monster,
I probably have more flaws then good attributes,
But I am a beautiful monster

Nightmares from the past (Poem 1)

As I sat on the couch, my heart began to race.
The blood running through my veins went faster.
I knew that I was not okay.
I could smell the scent of him coming towards me.
The floor creaking by each step that he took.
The musky smell of his cologne getting stronger.
There was nowhere to go.
I couldn't hide from him, he would find me.
I couldn't yell because he would just put his hand around my mouth to make me quiet.
If I told the neighbors they wouldn't believe me, nobody would.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to scream.
And before I knew it,
He was standing right in front of me.
He was staring right at me,
With those evil eyes.
He promised me, if I cooperated that it wouldn't hurt,
but I knew he was lying.
I closed eyes hoping that it was just a dream.
But it wasn't,
It was my reality.
_Marta_Flinn_

Recap of my past year! hahaha sorry maybe a bit depressing

So I am going to do the cliché thing and talk about the sum up of this marvelous year, 2013. How can I explain this past year? Well it was defiantly something I would not want to do again. I went through some pretty uncomfortable situations. From getting really sick in the beginning of the year. To breaking up with my fiancé, whom I had been with for a few years because he had cheated. But I think the relationship was most likely destined to fail eventually because we were on different levels. The break up I would possibly want to redo because I didn’t like the way we said goodbye. But there isn’t much I can do about that. Why? Because he won’t even talk to me now. But I suppose that is his lose, not mine. I spent many months trying to get a hold him. To be able to say what I wanted in person. But he never did respond. I saw him twice after losing my best friend to her suicide.  I was still madly in love with him. Something that he doesn’t know is the reason why I was crying when I saw him was because I could not believe how much pain we had caused each other. And how could we live with ourselves? I am not even sure if I have gotten over him. I can’t lie I think about every day. But as each day goes I think about less and less because his silence has driven me mad, and I am not sure if I want to keep going mad, or if it is even worth anymore.

My friend's suicide tore me to pieces. I never wanted her to feel the pain that she felt.I spent months with her before she decided to end her life. We made so many memories over the years. I still really miss her. Tonight I went back to where she took her last breath. It made me so upset. This place was full of many memories with her. The sky was so clear, you could see all the stars. It just made me wonder how she had the guts to end her life in such a beautiful place. I got really light headed thinking about it. I am just glad that I had a friend with me. He didn't have to be there with me but I am truly thankful that he was. It made it much easier. And it was also the first time I had actually spoken about what I was feeling. Having him there made me in a way feel safe. Safe to break down and talk about it, but of course I still had my walls up, but it is a start. I will never forget my lovely friend, who ended her life. She was too good of a soul to leave so soon. I love you Alyssa.

After my heart got “broken," not just from my ex but my best friend, I decided to join the gym. Start focusing on something other than him and her. But then I started this weird obsession with it. And am still doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel good. And I think I am starting to look more like my normal self, and less depressed.  But then this is when it got a bit too far. I decided that I will be joining the military sometime in 2014. So I started to train for this. Which I am still doing and won’t stop until I reach it.  This past year has taught me a lot. I am not sure if these lessons are good or bad, but I will find out soon enough. 

Myself

                                                   Photograph by Edenne G Flinn

                                                      Where ever you maybe on this Earth,
                                                There will always be beauty to be found
                                    Adventures to be made
                          Joy to be turned into laughter.
             Memories to be captured.
                                                     We will meet a thousand people in our life time,
                                                                 But the person we get to know best is our selves.
                                                                         So don't change who you are,
                                                                               Change your ways,
                                                                                      To a knew destination,
                                                         Where you can challenge not just your body, but mind as well.
                                            To push yourself to the limits you believed you could not,
                                Once you have reached this,
                       You will find a better understanding of who you are.
                                                                               I have no New Year's resolution.
                                                                                        I will continue to do what I have been doing,
                                                        Creating the best version of myself.


P.S. Happy New Years to everyone who reads my blog, and thank you! Hope this New Year is filled with joy! Happy Holidays