Gone.....

When you loose some one
It almost doesn't seem real at first,
It comes at a shock,
No way,
It can not be true,
But as you go through the notions,
Of having to prep for a final goodbye,
A wake,
And a funeral
Everything begins to be clear,
They are truly gone.
There will be no more fights,
No more laughs,
No more memories,
Just old ones.
There wont be anymore hugs,
Or any midnight conversations,
Just silence
And you are left with so many open ended questions,
The what if's,
But the sad thing is that we have to deal with it,
We have to get up,
Walk forward,
And live life.

Him

There is this great guy I just met,
He is the sweetest thing on this Earth
He has the cutest smile,
And the corniest lines.
The way his face turns bright red,
When I make him smile.
The way his eyebrows go up when he likes something
And the way he curls his nose when he doesn't.
The sound of his voice just soothes me.
He is different
Something different
Something better.
He is perfect, with his imperfections.
The way his warm bodies lays next to mine,
I feel so safe, and at peace
The softness of his lips, the sweetest kisses I have recieved.
The way he holds me close like he will never let go,
And brings me closer to reassure me.
The way he stairs at me when he thinks I am not looking,
Is this real?
I hope it is.
The way I can just look into his eyes and never get tired.
The way he makes me feel.
I loose myself when I am with him.
A good kind not the bad.
There is something very different about him.
He is incredible.
The way he lets me know everything will be okay,
And I believe him.
Every time he calls me beautiful,
Somehow I believe him.
He brings a smile to my face.
A different smile.
Something better.
It's him.
He is making me do better.

Its faiting away

My heart sinks everytime I hear your name,
What you did to me
Becomes real,
Surfaces,
And breaks me.
I feel so disgusted by what you did
But yet some how
I find a way to forgive you
Even through my anger and rage
The feeling of heavyness is on my chest
It's just so hard to breath
I just don't get it
I dont understand
It shouldn't bug me
But it does
It still does
Because of you
I have to be extra cautious
Because of you
I can't allow myself to fall hard
I am just so scared
So scared of being hurt again
To love some one else
You are becoming this faint memory in my head
It's getting harder to remember the good with you
It's like this drug now,
All the bad is all I see
and it's not what I want to remember you as
I dont want to remember you as that jerk
But it's what it is going to be.
It's just the way it has to be
The beauty is no longer there.
It's gone

Least expected things

Things happen when you least expect them
They seem to just come out of the blue
When you are just sitting minding your own bussiness
And then bam
In my case it's a good thing
Or at least I may think it is
I dont know the outcome for it yet
Because it has just been slapped in my face.
I am going to take it
Who knows
The thrill of something dangerous
Something new
Its exciting
Letting go of the past
Moving forward
As this new person
That i never knew i could be
Its thrilling
Its amazing
Im not going to stop till it ends

When Worlds Colide

Sitting in a small, crowded room, with about twenty of my family members, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, I stood up to greet a person that had just walked in. The laughter and yelling flowed through my ears like beautiful music. The faces around me colored like tomatoes and double chins were everywhere. They didn't notice that I had moved, as I reached for a hug. I realized in that moment how lucky I was to be there. Suddenly a flashback hits me, time seems to slow down and I am back in time.

When I first stepped through the door this room nine years ago, my hair was a bit longer and my inner a bit broken. Life was a mess, and I most certainly did not want to be adopted or be part of a new family.  I wasn't sure if this was the right place. The faces that stood before me with blank expression didn't seem familiar.  These people were people I had never seen in my life and they would have to learn to accept me into their lives. My deep thought was broken as an older gentleman came up to me with a cheerful face. His eyes looked into mine, and I quickly looked away. For I thought if I let him look into them, this man who would become my grandfather, would figure me out. He reached for my hand, and shook it gently. I let go fast and quickly reached tightly to my new parents hands. Silly to think that was me nine years ago. So insecure and unsure.

Today as I glance around the same room, the insecurity has vanished. I've realized how much my family has influenced me. Ever since that day I stepped through those doors, my adoptive family has been proud to call me their daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin. I have accepted them as a family and they have accepted me. Even through many hard years of learning to embrace one another, I have found that there is such thing as love. They also taught me that it is okay to speak your mind and that it okay to be you. I love the fact that I come from a family so open to new ideas. It taught me to be open to new ideas, people and places. They taught me not to limit myself to anything and go beyond the stars, and to never give up because once you get past all the crazy dilemmas it gets better. I've learned that this life is a great gift and we should live it to the fullest. I am no longer that insecure, unsure, shy person. If I were still that person, I would be terrified to put on a swim suit (with my big body) and go out and swim for my school and competed with the Cypress Swim Club synchronized swim team. I would have never found my passion for acting and singing. My shyness no longer takes over me. I talk to the whole world, I listen to what every one has to say. And I have learned to listen to myself. And instead of reaching out with trembling hands, I give a strong firm shake of confidence.

_Marta_Flinn_

None Sense writing

I'm not sure
But you left me here
To grive on my own
To wonder what I ever did wrong
To wonder is there was something wrong with me
Thinking that I am this horrible person
Through everything we have been through
You telling me
That you want to forget
Forget everything
Fine I am granting you, your wish
To never have to think of me again
And its okay
Because through this all
I have found many people to make me smile
People who actually care about me
Who ask me
Hey are you okay?
Do you need anything
Have seen me at my worst
Drunk off my ass
High off my ass
All because of you
Infecting my mind with things
Making me believe
That I mean nothing
You were a good person
What happend?
Who are you?
But the thing is
I will move on from this
Because i know that I love myself
That I am better than this
That there is some one else out there
Some one that will be the one who loves me as a whole
Not just me on my good days.
But my horrible days
Who will come to me with a million flowers
Wont take no for an answer and make me go out
It could of been you
But you are weak
Hope you find strengh
I don't wish anything bad upon you because thats who I am
But I just hope that good things come from this
And that you learn
For now I shall laugh my sadness and anger away
For I am strong

Drink Drink

More drunk I get
The easier it is to forget you
The easier it is to forget every one
All the stress
All the shit
All these things that are making me want to snap
Drink the bottle and forget
I know it isnt healthy
I know it's not right
But why is it the only thing that helps?
Why is it that its the only thing thats making me get through this
Its like I can't stop thinking about it
Its my new addiction
Drink
Drink
Dance the day away
And then cry
And then forget
The numbing of my brain
I forget who I am
I forget you
Any of you who have broken me
I am just
Me
No one else
A drunken person in this world