Its faiting away

My heart sinks everytime I hear your name,
What you did to me
Becomes real,
Surfaces,
And breaks me.
I feel so disgusted by what you did
But yet some how
I find a way to forgive you
Even through my anger and rage
The feeling of heavyness is on my chest
It's just so hard to breath
I just don't get it
I dont understand
It shouldn't bug me
But it does
It still does
Because of you
I have to be extra cautious
Because of you
I can't allow myself to fall hard
I am just so scared
So scared of being hurt again
To love some one else
You are becoming this faint memory in my head
It's getting harder to remember the good with you
It's like this drug now,
All the bad is all I see
and it's not what I want to remember you as
I dont want to remember you as that jerk
But it's what it is going to be.
It's just the way it has to be
The beauty is no longer there.
It's gone