Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Recap of my past year! hahaha sorry maybe a bit depressing

So I am going to do the clichĂ© thing and talk about the sum up of this marvelous year, 2013. How can I explain this past year? Well it was defiantly something I would not want to do again. I went through some pretty uncomfortable situations. From getting really sick in the beginning of the year. To breaking up with my fiancĂ©, whom I had been with for a few years because he had cheated. But I think the relationship was most likely destined to fail eventually because we were on different levels. The break up I would possibly want to redo because I didn’t like the way we said goodbye. But there isn’t much I can do about that. Why? Because he won’t even talk to me now. But I suppose that is his lose, not mine. I spent many months trying to get a hold him. To be able to say what I wanted in person. But he never did respond. I saw him twice after losing my best friend to her suicide.  I was still madly in love with him. Something that he doesn’t know is the reason why I was crying when I saw him was because I could not believe how much pain we had caused each other. And how could we live with ourselves? I am not even sure if I have gotten over him. I can’t lie I think about every day. But as each day goes I think about less and less because his silence has driven me mad, and I am not sure if I want to keep going mad, or if it is even worth anymore.

My friend's suicide tore me to pieces. I never wanted her to feel the pain that she felt.I spent months with her before she decided to end her life. We made so many memories over the years. I still really miss her. Tonight I went back to where she took her last breath. It made me so upset. This place was full of many memories with her. The sky was so clear, you could see all the stars. It just made me wonder how she had the guts to end her life in such a beautiful place. I got really light headed thinking about it. I am just glad that I had a friend with me. He didn't have to be there with me but I am truly thankful that he was. It made it much easier. And it was also the first time I had actually spoken about what I was feeling. Having him there made me in a way feel safe. Safe to break down and talk about it, but of course I still had my walls up, but it is a start. I will never forget my lovely friend, who ended her life. She was too good of a soul to leave so soon. I love you Alyssa.

After my heart got “broken," not just from my ex but my best friend, I decided to join the gym. Start focusing on something other than him and her. But then I started this weird obsession with it. And am still doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel good. And I think I am starting to look more like my normal self, and less depressed.  But then this is when it got a bit too far. I decided that I will be joining the military sometime in 2014. So I started to train for this. Which I am still doing and won’t stop until I reach it.  This past year has taught me a lot. I am not sure if these lessons are good or bad, but I will find out soon enough. 


Monday, December 30, 2013

Myself

                                                   Photograph by Edenne G Flinn

                                                      Where ever you maybe on this Earth,
                                                There will always be beauty to be found
                                    Adventures to be made
                          Joy to be turned into laughter.
             Memories to be captured.
                                                     We will meet a thousand people in our life time,
                                                                 But the person we get to know best is our selves.
                                                                         So don't change who you are,
                                                                               Change your ways,
                                                                                      To a knew destination,
                                                         Where you can challenge not just your body, but mind as well.
                                            To push yourself to the limits you believed you could not,
                                Once you have reached this,
                       You will find a better understanding of who you are.
                                                                               I have no New Year's resolution.
                                                                                        I will continue to do what I have been doing,
                                                        Creating the best version of myself.


P.S. Happy New Years to everyone who reads my blog, and thank you! Hope this New Year is filled with joy! Happy Holidays

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Loose Control NOW

As I smashed my hand into the wall,
I realized what a monster I had become.
What has happened to me
This isn't me.
Or is it?
Maybe I have just been taming this evil person inside of me for too long.
It's been waiting to explode,
Make people upset.
To create chaos.
Maybe madness is what I need.
The feeling of finally loosing control,
After attempting so hard to keep it cool.
But maybe I just can't anymore.
I just need the inner beast to be set free,
From the cage that has been holding it back.
Madness
Give me MADNESS
That's what I NEED
So I'll punch this wall a little harder
Scream a little louder
So that way
You will know my PAIN.
_Marta_Flinn_


Friday, December 20, 2013

His face, Her face

It's a bitter-sweet moment when you realize that you have made it through. I for one have probably had one of the worst years of my life, thus far. But I would not change what happened. Although I am still deeply hurt by plenty of the events in the past year. It has helped me view things differently. I am not yet sure if this is going to be a good thing or bad thing. Because I have honestly just begun my healing process from all the wounds. It has taken me months to just be okay, well at least barely okay. The "bad" thoughts don't run through my head as much. But both their faces still do. Their words.

His face. My ex-boyfriend, which totally sounds bizarre saying, because up until now, I haven't really refereed to him as that. I have totally ignored that phrase "ex". What does that even mean? To me it just sounds like your marking or scribbling this person out of your life. Throwing them away, like they were never there. Which I am sure he is probably doing as I write. For some weird reason, my mind wont let me forget. Or in other words, won't let me "ex" this person out of my mind. Maybe I am just crazy, or obsessed. Or even worse; still in denial about what happened. My head just can't wrap around the fact that this person, that I loved so deeply, could treat me so horrible. Then again, I wasn't that great myself, but did I deserve what happened? Sometimes it makes me wonder, that I did in fact deserve it. Because I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. I couldn't express how I felt because of all these layers that have been mounted on top of each other for years. That is probably the one thing that I regret most. Instead of opening up to him. I would get angry because he cared, and that I was not used to. Maybe that is why he confined in my best friend. Because she was a gentle soul, a caring, beautiful person. Something that I could never be.

Her face. My best friend, or at least I thought she was. I still can't believe that she did that to me. How could she? When she knew, I loved him. I wanted to marry him, have his kids, and eventually live a simple life. She, herself would tell me how lucky I was to have found someone who loved me, for me. I am not sure what went through her head. I don't want to know honestly. Every time I think of this. It just makes me so sick. The two people that I loved most in this world, did something to hurt me. And as much as I try not to remember what happened. It is so hard to do. When ever I think of her now, that horrible thing is linked to her name, engraved into my brain forever. All I want is to remember her as my best friend. The one who was there for me when no one else was. Who would do stupid things just to make me laugh. The one that would pick me up, drive around town like crazy. And listen to what I had to say. From my first pregnancy scare. To late nights at the drive-thru of Taco Bell, ordering crunchy wrap supreme.

When I found out about her death. I  was torn. So torn. Because I hadn't talked to her since the day I said goodbye, in May. My heart just couldn't stand her anymore. I couldn't trust her because she was one of the reason why my heart was so broken. And he was one of the reasons it is so broken. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just had it coming. I knew that my happiness wouldn't last forever. And I knew our relationship wasn't always good. But he was my other half and I still feel empty with out him. But maybe he was my one true love, but I wasn't his.

I  remember, I stood at the top of my stairs. I cried. Screamed even. So angry, because I had to find out that she was dead, through Facebook. He didn't even have the balls to call me, and let me know. That my best friend was dead. And I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold her one last time. And there is nothing I can do to change it. She is gone.

So many events have happened. It's just so hard to know who I am anymore. To be honest. I had moments of doubt, I still do. I didn't think I would be okay. But I am still here. I am living. Even though it is hard at times. But I am choosing to move forward, not because I have to. But because I want to. I am moving forward because there is more out there, then the world that has surrounded me for years. Although it is uncomfortable to think about. It has made me see myself in a new light. I am not weak. I am not afraid. Why? Because I am who I am. The parts that didn't work out, don't have to be the reason why I limit myself. In fact, they are the reason why I am still moving forward. That stubbornness that probably ruined my relationship with the two most important people in my life. Is the reason why I find something to smile about once again.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Just Say It

Truth is,
I still think about you everyday
I hate it.
It drives me nuts.
The smell of you still lingers in my room even though its been months.
I cant seem to get your voice out
All the memories,
The things that were our things
How am I supposed to get over you?
The person I was going to spend the rest of my life with?
When I have all these tokens of our "love"
Get out.
My heart take it anymore.
But I don't have the courage to burn everything
To put you behind
Because you haven't said what I need to hear,
To set me free from this pain.
But I don't think you ever will.
Because you are not strong enough to say;
I don't love you anymore. 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Clear (The Crazzies Alice)

I woke up this morning with,
Less pain in my heart,
Less anger at myself,
Less hatred towards everything.
My body is relaxed,
Something not normal for me,
My mind is cleared,
It's somewhat of a relief,
There are still little pieces of hurt,
But they aren't over powering,
For the first time in months I am better,
I am finally able to breath for a few minutes.
Enjoy life.
I can't remember the last time I felt so free.
Not in closed by all the pressures of life.
It's just me.
Laying here,
In the precious silence.
I know my decision now.
Sadness doesn't stay for long
Buy a new dress,
Get all dressed up
And have some fun.
Still to young to be grieving so much.
So much life ahead,
Be thankful for being alive,
Be thankful for being here,
In this world of beauty.
Bad things happen,
But bad things are not meant to stay.
We all have our moments of doubts,
Where we feel so little,
But we are not alone
We all have these thoughts,
And the good thing to know,
Is that at the end,
None of us make it out alive,
But that is okay.
Because we all have the same destiny,
Death,
But death is not what defines us.
It's how we spent the years before our death.
It's the happiness that we created.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

In your arms


The first thing that pops into my mind is you
The way you used to lay next to me,
Your arms wrapped around me,
Protecting me from all the evils out there
And in your embrace I felt safe,
Safer then I had ever felt in my life.
There was something about you,
As my head lay on your chest.
Listening to the sound of your heart beat
I knew I was loved.
You didn't have to tell me.
I would look into your eyes,
And they would speak for themselves.
Oh how I miss your eyes.
The way they looked at me.
Like I was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.
The way you would get that dorky smile when I finally realized you had been staring.
And then I would lean in for a kiss.
The warmth of your lips against mine,
Woke up my body.
You were my home.
No matter where I was.
And even now,
I still feel like you are.
Even though we wont ever be again.

_Marta_Flinn_

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Drifting Away (The Crazzies Poem 4 Alice)

I sit here on the roof
Looking at all the beauty that is around me
But why is it that I don't feel part of it?
I don't know who I am anymore.
How could I do what I did to her.
She will never forgive me.
I can't believe what is happening to me
I look in the mirror 
And nothing
I see no reflection
Because I feel nonexistent
Who am I?
I feel like I just want to explode.
But they are both in the room.
I know she cares for me,
She doesn't have to be here.
But she is.
After everything I've done to her.
How can she be so strong.
I know she is hurting inside,
But she is hiding it for me.
I feel like a horrible person.
I know she loves him.
Why did I do it?
Is it because I was jealous of what they had.
Because I don't have it.
Is it because I actually have feelings for him?
Or is it because he is the only man I have been around for the past year.
I can't say why I did it.
And I can't look at her,
Because I know,
She has a broken heart now.
I took something away from her.
The man that she loved.
And yet she is sitting there,
Trying to keep me from doing any harm to myself.
The old me would have never done this,
But I just keep drifting away further and further each day.


Saturday, November 9, 2013

Coldness of the Night

Those lonely cold nights,
where the sun meets the horizon,
and nothing can be seen for miles,
besides the sand that goes on and on
All that he is left with
Is the guilt he feels inside.
It eats him,
Until he goes mad
Then he will see
What madness he has bestowed upon
There is no way of going back
For the coldness of the night has come
He lays on the ground
Staring at the beauty around him,
Wondering why he had been so blind,
For so long
What got him here?
Why was he no longer the good man he once was.
His heart was frozen.
Was it because of everything
Was it because of this heart ache
He felt the sand between his fingers,
The softness that he hadn't felt since childhood.
Brought comfort to his loneliness
He knew he wasn't going to make it
So he asked for forgiveness
For all his wrongs
He didn't want to leave with out saying,
I am sorry.
To the one he did wrong.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Let Go

You know holding on to anger is not worth a penny. Why hold on to something that upsets you? We all have enough stress in our every day lives. We shouldn't have to deal with anymore ridiculous dilemmas. Personally, for me it has taken me a very long time to figure this out, but we all figure it out eventually. Why do we let the bad things around us, suck up our energy and time? Why do we allow it to just eat us alive? Is it because that is how we were raised? Because our society raises generation after generation of unhappy people.

Who came up with the idea, that sticking with bad habit is a good tradition. I didn't realize how horrible this was, until a few days ago. We all obsess about different things. Mine for the past few months has been holding on to some one who no longer cares about me. But I being so stubborn would not let this person go. Why? Because I thought if I let this person go, that I would not be able to keep moving forward with me life. So for the past few months I have been acting like a total idiot. Roaming around with this big rain cloud above my head, not allowing the sun to shine on me.

This person, has taken up most of my life for the past three years. Not saying that I regret it. But because of this reason, it has caused me to make some very ill decisions in my life. Some that I am not very proud of, but never the less they were made and now I have to deal with the mess that has been left.

There is a difference between holding on to bad, and letting it go but picking up the mess afterwards. Because once you pick up the mess, you are left with something clean, something fresh. That way you have room to make a mess again, but hopefully not the same mess.

So as I was standing at Target, buying a Halloween card for a friend of mine. I saw this person who has made the past few months of my life living hell. Even if it was not intentional. This person seemed perfectly fine. Even after all the events that have happened. I thought to myself, " What the hell, what the bloody hell is wrong with this person!."

I could not believe my eyes. There I was feeling like a total train wreck, well this person was enjoying their evening with some one else.

Some how I got my mind to calm down. And instead of being completely angry. I saw it as something different. An opportunity to see things differently. Because for the past few months I thought this person was down in the dumps. So I was trying to do everything in my power to keep this person in my life, even if it meant that it would hurt me more.

I was a fool. How foolish could I be. But as I existed Target. I felt this weight get lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why. But seeing this person, helped me realize that I have been focusing my energy in the wrong places and not in the right places. For months, I have been full of anger, full of sadness. And most of all I have felt stuck. In reality I should be royally ticked off for seeing this person this way.

But I am not. I got an unspoken closure. Something that was needed. I was holding on to bad. For what? Honestly I don't even know why. I knew it was unhealthy, but I just kept trying to hold on. Maybe because the idea of the past is so much easier, then the idea of the future, the unknown.

There is nothing wrong with the unknown The unknown leads to new adventures and new people. New isn't easy but it can, may, WILL lead to something better.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Failure

Learning is a long life process
There are many failures in life that we go through.
Some of them make perfect sense
Well others you cant really seem to find an explanation.
But never the less, there is a lesson to be learned,
Whether it's that you find out that you are extraordinary at doing something
Or the totally opposite.
However you shouldn't see it as a form of defeat
Rather, a form of learning.
But the thing is, you at least did something,
Most wont even take a stand.
I mean the thing may not be the best choice,
But you did do something
Rather then not
And isn't that the whole point.
To do as many things as you can
Before you leave this Earth.
Because would you really want to leave with doubts and regrets
So failure really isn't failure.
It is just a step in the right direction.
What ever that direction maybe.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

This Thing

There is this thing,
This tiny little thing,
It lives inside my head,
and never ever leaves.
It tells me I should count to ten and fall asleep,
But then it tells me to fall into a never ending sleep,
There is this thing,
This tiny little thing,
It lays inside my heart,
My lonely, lonely heart.
It tells me to weep for him,
That I will never have him,
To give up, and say my ends, to my never ending sleep.
There is this thing,
This tiny little thing,
It lives with me everyday.
Whispering into my ear,
Telling me I am not worth a penny,
But I will never ever give in!

Land of Unknown

I am from the land of unknown.
I don't know where I came from or what my purpose in life is.
I know one thing, I am not who I seem to be.
I am a person lost in the world we all share.
The same air we breath
The same creatures.
but I don't know where I came from or what my past is.
It seems that everyone s alike.
My life started very early, before you or your grandparents were born.
I am an old soul wondering the face of Earth, unable to die.
Unable to feel anything.
My life was wasted many years before.
Way back when we the human race had become the dominant species.
As i roamed the Earth, a wizard called upon me.
He told me to climb the highest mountain at the horizon. There I would find something so amazing, there would be no words to describe it.
When I reached the the destination,
I did not find what I had pictured.
But what he meant was that I would find death.
He had tricked me.
From the distance some one called my name. A man.
I turned to find the one and only, Satan.
He stood before me, tall and handsome
Just like everyone had told me.
My heart stopped.
I gazed into his deep blue eyes, full of evil, heart break, regrets, and sadness.
But as I gazed longer, everything went dead around.
He came closer to me.
As I stood there. He read my like a book, page by page.
He relived my pain.
He whispered something into my ear, but I could not say it back
He gave me a kiss with those icy, tender, soft lips.
And then bam, he stole my heart, and replaced it with immortality.
As my punishment,
I am forced to watch each day go on by, watching people suffer from all that he has done.
Only because I wouldn't say I love you.
His harshness stole my heart, so I would never be able to love or feel again.
To live in darkness, to seek for light even though it's not there anymore.
I am from an unknown land, where my dreams started but ended.
Where all was right at one time, but ended with nothing........

Endless Sleep

Water running through a stream of thick blood,
As the mucky smell of a foggy forest runs through the air.
The silence of the trees.
And the echos of the owls roam.
As icy fingers of chaos go upon your soul,
Endless sleep looks upon you,
endless.......ENDLESS
Summer is no longer near,
Souls never escape from the endless sleep,
Bodies taken over by the child of chaos
CHAOS the greatest worrier that has lived,
Caused hatred and rage to this world.
Fear what can not be feared,
For if you take a peek.
You will be enchanted by the discovery of,
The endless sleep
That has just taken your soul

I love you forever

Whether apart or together,
I will love you forever.
No matter how many times the sun rises and sets.
I will for you forever.
Even if you forget the love that we shared,
Or if all you feel is hate,
I will love you forever.
For my heart has been stolen,
It has been set to one rhythm
The rhythm of you.
If you were to die,
The feelings I have will still be there.
I love you forever.
For you have a special place,
A part of my heart,
Even though you may not feel the same anymore.
No one else will make me feel the way you did,
Never will I feel so close to some one,
My other half.
We may grow apart,
But you will forever be my first love,
And for that I will love you forever,
Until death and even after death,
As we used to say.
_Marta_Flinn_

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Float Up high

There isn't another place I'd rather be,
Sitting here
On these footsteps
My piece of heaven
Looking out into the deep ocean blue,
Allowing my thoughts to wonder
Oh what a joy it is,
To have nothing to do
Just getting lost in the colors,
Lost in the thought
Forgetting reality.
Imagining to fly,
To a place where no one can find me,
A place where I can hide
Perhaps never come back
Oh what a joy it is
But as I float back from the clouds,
the taste of the sweet ocean in the air
I am glad I am still here
Even if it is a mess at the moment

Making a Choice ( Just a self note)

This choice isn't easy one bit,
But since there is nothing holding me back anymore
I am setting my mind to it
I will be training myself for the next 7 to 8 months
To join the military.
It is something I have always wanted to do
And I think it will do me some good.
I will be getting into shape
Understanding my body
And finding a better understanding of myself
Through pushing myself to limits that I didn't even know I can do
But this is what I want to do.
It's what is best for me
If everyone around me is just leaving me behind
Maybe I should just leave people behind
Start a new chapter in my life
Travel the world
Do something that has meaning to me
I know that some may not agree on my decision that I am about to make
But its what I have to do.
It's what I want to do.

Beacuse you are

Some one once told me,

Don't you dare ever give up

Life is too short

Don't you ever linger on a thought for too long

For it could be your last

Don't ever act like you aren't worth something

Because you are

and most of all

Don't ever say you aren't beautiful

Because you most defiantly are!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Gone.....

When you loose some one
It almost doesn't seem real at first,
It comes at a shock,
No way,
It can not be true,
But as you go through the notions,
Of having to prep for a final goodbye,
A wake,
And a funeral
Everything begins to be clear,
They are truly gone.
There will be no more fights,
No more laughs,
No more memories,
Just old ones.
There wont be anymore hugs,
Or any midnight conversations,
Just silence
And you are left with so many open ended questions,
The what if's,
But the sad thing is that we have to deal with it,
We have to get up,
Walk forward,
And live life.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Him

There is this great guy I just met,
He is the sweetest thing on this Earth
He has the cutest smile,
And the corniest lines.
The way his face turns bright red,
When I make him smile.
The way his eyebrows go up when he likes something
And the way he curls his nose when he doesn't.
The sound of his voice just soothes me.
He is different
Something different
Something better.
He is perfect, with his imperfections.
The way his warm bodies lays next to mine,
I feel so safe, and at peace
The softness of his lips, the sweetest kisses I have recieved.
The way he holds me close like he will never let go,
And brings me closer to reassure me.
The way he stairs at me when he thinks I am not looking,
Is this real?
I hope it is.
The way I can just look into his eyes and never get tired.
The way he makes me feel.
I loose myself when I am with him.
A good kind not the bad.
There is something very different about him.
He is incredible.
The way he lets me know everything will be okay,
And I believe him.
Every time he calls me beautiful,
Somehow I believe him.
He brings a smile to my face.
A different smile.
Something better.
It's him.
He is making me do better.

Its faiting away

My heart sinks everytime I hear your name,
What you did to me
Becomes real,
Surfaces,
And breaks me.
I feel so disgusted by what you did
But yet some how
I find a way to forgive you
Even through my anger and rage
The feeling of heavyness is on my chest
It's just so hard to breath
I just don't get it
I dont understand
It shouldn't bug me
But it does
It still does
Because of you
I have to be extra cautious
Because of you
I can't allow myself to fall hard
I am just so scared
So scared of being hurt again
To love some one else
You are becoming this faint memory in my head
It's getting harder to remember the good with you
It's like this drug now,
All the bad is all I see
and it's not what I want to remember you as
I dont want to remember you as that jerk
But it's what it is going to be.
It's just the way it has to be
The beauty is no longer there.
It's gone

Friday, June 7, 2013

Least expected things

Things happen when you least expect them
They seem to just come out of the blue
When you are just sitting minding your own bussiness
And then bam
In my case it's a good thing
Or at least I may think it is
I dont know the outcome for it yet
Because it has just been slapped in my face.
I am going to take it
Who knows
The thrill of something dangerous
Something new
Its exciting
Letting go of the past
Moving forward
As this new person
That i never knew i could be
Its thrilling
Its amazing
Im not going to stop till it ends

Thursday, May 30, 2013

When Worlds Colide


Sitting in a small, crowded room, with about twenty of my family members, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, I stood up to greet a person that had just walked in. The laughter and yelling flowed through my ears like beautiful music. The faces around me colored like tomatoes and double chins were everywhere. They didn't notice that I had moved, as I reached for a hug. I realized in that moment how lucky I was to be there. Suddenly a flashback hits me, time seems to slow down and I am back in time.

When I first stepped through the door this room nine years ago, my hair was a bit longer and my inner a bit broken. Life was a mess, and I most certainly did not want to be adopted or be part of a new family.  I wasn't sure if this was the right place. The faces that stood before me with blank expression didn't seem familiar.  These people were people I had never seen in my life and they would have to learn to accept me into their lives. My deep thought was broken as an older gentleman came up to me with a cheerful face. His eyes looked into mine, and I quickly looked away. For I thought if I let him look into them, this man who would become my grandfather, would figure me out. He reached for my hand, and shook it gently. I let go fast and quickly reached tightly to my new parents hands. Silly to think that was me nine years ago. So insecure and unsure.

Today as I glance around the same room, the insecurity has vanished. I've realized how much my family has influenced me. Ever since that day I stepped through those doors, my adoptive family has been proud to call me their daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin. I have accepted them as a family and they have accepted me. Even through many hard years of learning to embrace one another, I have found that there is such thing as love. They also taught me that it is okay to speak your mind and that it okay to be you. I love the fact that I come from a family so open to new ideas. It taught me to be open to new ideas, people and places. They taught me not to limit myself to anything and go beyond the stars, and to never give up because once you get past all the crazy dilemmas it gets better. I've learned that this life is a great gift and we should live it to the fullest. I am no longer that insecure, unsure, shy person. If I were still that person, I would be terrified to put on a swim suit (with my big body) and go out and swim for my school and competed with the Cypress Swim Club synchronized swim team. I would have never found my passion for acting and singing. My shyness no longer takes over me. I talk to the whole world, I listen to what every one has to say. And I have learned to listen to myself. And instead of reaching out with trembling hands, I give a strong firm shake of confidence.
_Marta_Flinn_

None Sense writing

I'm not sure
But you left me here
To grive on my own
To wonder what I ever did wrong
To wonder is there was something wrong with me
Thinking that I am this horrible person
Through everything we have been through
You telling me
That you want to forget
Forget everything
Fine I am granting you, your wish
To never have to think of me again
And its okay
Because through this all
I have found many people to make me smile
People who actually care about me
Who ask me
Hey are you okay?
Do you need anything
Have seen me at my worst
Drunk off my ass
High off my ass
All because of you
Infecting my mind with things
Making me believe
That I mean nothing
You were a good person
What happend?
Who are you?
But the thing is
I will move on from this
Because i know that I love myself
That I am better than this
That there is some one else out there
Some one that will be the one who loves me as a whole
Not just me on my good days.
But my horrible days
Who will come to me with a million flowers
Wont take no for an answer and make me go out
It could of been you
But you are weak
Hope you find strengh
I don't wish anything bad upon you because thats who I am
But I just hope that good things come from this
And that you learn
For now I shall laugh my sadness and anger away
For I am strong

Monday, May 27, 2013

Drink Drink

More drunk I get
The easier it is to forget you
The easier it is to forget every one
All the stress
All the shit
All these things that are making me want to snap
Drink the bottle and forget
I know it isnt healthy
I know it's not right
But why is it the only thing that helps?
Why is it that its the only thing thats making me get through this
Its like I can't stop thinking about it
Its my new addiction
Drink
Drink
Dance the day away
And then cry
And then forget
The numbing of my brain
I forget who I am
I forget you
Any of you who have broken me
I am just
Me
No one else
A drunken person in this world

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Letting go

One of the hardest things to do in life is
Letting go of some one that you love so much
In hopes if they are the one
They will find their way back to you
But you wont know
Only time will tell
I love him so much
I care for him so much
But it is time to let him go
He is hurting
I am hurting
Things have been said
Things have been done
There is no turning back
Just move forward
And forward.
It is so hard to wrap your finger around
The cold bed that you have to sleep on
The closet that is no longer full of his clothes
And a few things he has left behind by accident
Well you sit around crying and crying
Wondering what went wrong
But you know what it is
If he really loves you like he said he does
He will come back
No matter the time
But you also have to face the fact that he may not
As hard as it maybe
But this is the best choice possible
Being around eachother
And seeing eachother in pain doesnt help the situation
Especially when there is no outlet
I shall walk around like a zombie for a few days
And mop and eat lots of unhealthy food
But then I will be able to stand on my two feet
Like I once have
And breath
I love you so much
But this is best for now
Take care of yourself
Because that is what needs to be done
Its not a goodbye
It is till see you later.

Friday, May 10, 2013

I tried to be strong, but its too much right now

Today I woke up,
A little uneasy,
Last night I tried to be strong,
But I couldn't
It was one step too soon,
My emotions are already hurt,
But no one seems to care about mine,
And I get blamed for not putting myself in his footsteps,
When that is all I have been doing,
Trying to view what he did and how he feels,
But no one has really asked me how I feel about the matter,
No one has really seen things through my eyes,
Right now I have to be selfish because I have been hurt,
Right now I also have to do things for myself,
Not just others,
I am sorry I wasn't able to allow you to do this,
It's cause it's her,
My friend who betrayed me,
Broke me,
And it's just too soon,
I try to view it as something else,
But I can't just yet,
The thoughts are just to clear in my mind,
If it was a month from now or more,
I could allow you,
I tried to be strong,
But I just couldn't
I will let you do anything but that ,
To help you heal and help you get better,
I am sorry,
Really am,
I know you understand it now,
but I just can't
Just yet,
When my heart has been cracked open,
and I am trying to pick up all the pieces
All the pieces that have been left on the ground,
I am still searching for a few.
I love you so much,
Just please don't hurt me.

_marta_flinn_

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Things to do to make a relationship better

There are a few ways that you can make your relationship better if it is on the rocks, I am not an expert but it is just nice to know that you are not alone in a situation, just remember that every relationship has its ups and downs, no ones relationship is perfect even though it may seem so.

 First step is figuring out why your relationship is broken or not working. There is a reason behind this. It could be that you don't appreciate all the little things that your partner does or you may have gotten involved with someone else and there needs to be fixing. You may have hurt your partner in a way you may not know of or just not give them the respect that they need right now. You must figure out what it is that is not making the relationship work, like, key pointing the infection that way things can be resolved.

 You will never be able to change the past, have to accept what has happened whether good or bad, but what you can change is the future ahead. You must commit to making the relationship better, and sticking to it. If you love this person and care about them, the bad can be fixed it just takes time and understatement. Fixing the relationship must be a priority before anything else can get better, if it is not fixed than things will just go back to the same old ways. You have to put in the work to rebuild the love and affection, it does not come at an easy price. In other words you have to commit right now that you want to make the relationship better, not just one person but both.

 The hard thing is being able to forgive your partner and the person who has done wrong to forgive themselves, but we must forgive and move on. But since you have decided to make your relationship a priority. You have to focus on the healing part. By letting the past be the past and focusing on the now, and the present and future relationship. If you hold on to any old pain or grudges it wont help the relationship at all and it can just make it worse, you must start at a new.
 
 You have to change yourself. You also must accept the fact that you can not change your partner (they have to do this on their own) you can only change yourself. We have to concentrate on changing ourselves for the better and alleviate anything that caused the relationship to suffer or become broken. Here is an example of what you could do; if you stopped appreciating your girlfriend or wife, this is the best time to show her that you appreciate her, by giving her flowers, cards, candy and saying I love you. If you have stopped showing you boyfriend or husband respect, it is the time to do so, by being more respectful of him by what you may say or do.

 Lastly you have to communicate with one another. If there is no communication the relationship just wont work. You have to tell them that you love and care about them and that you really want this relationship to work out. Fixing a relationship isn't hard, it is just a matter of time, and being patient. Everyone heals at their own rate, but we also must reassure that we are committed.


Hopefully some of this helped out. I cant really say much, but like I said it is just always nice to know that you are not alone.

Good luck to anyone out there!!!

Recent events (Excuse any typos) And things you can possibly do after being cheated on or being the cheater

do to recent events i will be postponing any writing on The Crazzies, just because i need time to heal from what has happend to me in the most recent events of my life, and then i will continue to write but i must say now that the story of these three friends does not end well, but that is life, some friends are just not meant to stick around and others are. Some will be there through everything. well others will just take and take until there is nothing left for you to give. But I will be writing about how I feel and how i will decide to heal from being cheated on. I am sorry if my throughts change through out poems, i am just really trying to figure this out. Is it love? Is it not love? Can it be fixed? Can it not? Forgiveness must be done. And moving on must as well. As for now it is love, I do not want to loose this individual out of my life, but it can happen, because life has so many twists in it. Its just a matter of being on the same page, and giving one another a chance to just heal. Because it's not just me who is hurting but him as well for what he did to me. In these types of situations you must take action as soon as possible, you have to decide whether or not you would like to try and fix things or whether you just say your goodbyes and start a new life. Both choices are hard and they take time. If you do decide to stay with the person, make some changes.Analiyze the past events, and see what you can do differently as an individual but also as a couple. You have to rememeber though things are not going to be the same and they never will be but they can be better. So it's all up to you. You have the choice. but do not allow yourself to be stuck in a rut that may do more harm than good.

After You've Been Cheated On

What....
There is no way....
I just can not believe this just happend
What did I do wrong?
Why me?
I feel so disgusting.
I just can not believe this...
I feel betrayed.
I am not sure where to go from here
It's like I have lost my other half,
because I really have,
Keep telling myself that I am going to be okay
But just the thought keeps rerunning through my head,
You promised you never would,
You said you wouldn't do anything to harm me,
But why am I on the ground crying to death,
Why can't I eat, or sleep.
Why do I feel like it is all my fault.
Is this a test to see how far I can be pushed?
Is this a sign from up above?
To show me I can make it through anything?
Can things ever be better again?
I have loved you for so long,
I can not just let go,
But just can't believe you did this.....
What....
It can not be
I just feel so lost,
I just need to get up
I need to smile,
I can not let the negativity bring me down,
If it is meant to be between you and I it will
If it is not, it is such a shame because we could of been good,
Cause no relationship is perfect it takes time to learn and it takes time to heal,
All I can hope is for the best.
All I can do is wait,
But at the end
We are just left by ourselves.
Love is so hard,
Love takes time,
but LOVE is also fragile.
But LOVE can last.
Just have to push away all the bad and focus on the good.
Love is LOVE
even after such a thing.
thats why it takes time...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

It's Just me Now (The Crazzies Part 1 Alice Poem 3)

I'm lost,
I don't want anyone's help,
I'm too proud
I'll get rid of all the people that care
That way I don't have to disappoint anyone
I just want to cry
Why did my dad have to abuse my mom?
Why did I have to see it
Why did I feel like I had to keep it close
Living each day as a zombie
Not letting anyone in
No I'm giving up
I say I want help
But do I?
Or am I just lost
Do I not want people to know the truth
Too ashamed
Just want to hide and forget
Nothing's helping
But maybe it's just me not letting it
Pushing and pushing so no one knows
So no one cares
Just leave me alone
Just let me go
I don't know!
I don't care


Sunday, March 3, 2013

We are Young (The Crazzies Part 1 Poem 2)

We are sitting on a huge rock,
Eating some crazy big burritos,
Right next to the shore front.
Looking up at the moon,
How full it is.
As we sit a cold rush of wind hits us.
What are we to do on such a beautiful night?
Before we know it we are filling up the gas tank
And we are on the high way
We come upon the house of one of my friends,
Where we are there to make some trouble
They greet us with hugs,
And we greet them with the UV.
We are young
As we make our way the living room
The smell is already in the air.
Oh how I've missed the smell.
Inhale, exhale
All muscles become loose
And all the bad is forgotten.
To my right she smiles to me and to my left he smiles and to the far left there they all are,
All moving at a much slower pace,
Enjoying life.
And forgetting that there is bad.
I let myself get lost in all the noise.
And take a sip.
Where has the time gone its 3am
and everyone is out.
A fight between brothers has just rosen,
One yelling off the top of his lungs,
Well the other one just says good night.
And the silence,
All of a sudden I am the only one still here.
I just sit and watch the fan above go around in circles
Well some one outside sits and pukes.
And then headlights,
Like they are about to carsh into the house
And out come those who had disappeared for a few hours.
We are young
And so irrisponsible
But what if this is the only life we get?
As every one begins to mellow down its 5am
And then all through the house dead silence
Every one has gone to sleep
We are young,
and we have no clue whats ahead.

When One wants to... (The Crazzies Part 1 Amy Poem 1)

On a Wednesday night,
Where I just don't want to live anymore,
I text my friend,
"What is worth living for?
People are horrible and I don't feel like i am worth anything."
And she texts me back saying, "Don't do it."
But how am I not supposed to.
I just don't know how to handle all this stress.
I don't have an outlet for all these horrible things happening.
Before I know it she is at my house, and she askes me to get in her car.
I didn't really want to but I knew if I where to stay in my room,
the horrible thoughts would take over my mind and I wouldn't be able to came back to Earth.
So I sat in her car,
But I just couldn't say one word.
I just wanted to die.
I sat there well she tried to figure out what in the world was the matter with me.
But she just wouldn't understand.
All I could do was cry.
Crying was my solution.
As we drove around through downtown.
I watched all the cars pass by.
As my heart beat started to slow down,
and I just couldn't feel
I was allowing myself to go numb.
So that way no one could hurt me if I was already numb.
We approched Carl's Jr.
And I wondered why in the world we were here.
And out came my friend.
He sat in the back seat and tried to revive me
And by this I mean to make all the bad thoughts go out
Mid through the ride,
I began to talk.
And even though I didn't explain why I was having these thoughts
It brought me back from this dark place
The night was hard,
Trying to act like I was okay,
There was a lot of crying and no understanding
It got to the point where my other friend just couldn't handle seeing me in such pain
And she went to sleep in the bathroom
Because she as well has problems
But dont we all?
We woke up the next morning
We were all still alive.
And we made it through another night
Another night to see the next day

Friday, March 1, 2013

My Insecurities

There are millions of horrible thoughts running through my head
If I am doing the best I can do,
Am I too fat,
I am ugly,
If I do this will I get hurt?
Why is my heart racing so fast,
Things are getting blurry,
Anxiety kicking in.
Why can't I seem to concentrate,
I am not perfect,
I cant be this smart,
What if I don't succeed then what life will I live?
Am I not good enough,
Why can't I seem to understand what others are saying?
Are they speaking to me in a different tongue,
I am ugly,
Why does this society base everything on image,
Why am I not the same as everyone else,
Is there something wrong with me?
Why is my self esteem so low?
Why do people bully me,
Why do I allow them to,
I am ugly,
I am fat,
I am nothing,
I will never go far,
I am not white,
I have no brains,
I don't have any particular skill,
I am me.
So why can't this society accept it?

(Just ask yourself why do you as an individual care so much about how you appear on the outside? And where do you think this came from? From your family, your culture, the media that is around you, I am sure most of us have felt these insecurities, but remember none of us are perfect, we are all different, we are who we are, and no one can change that so expose your inner self!)

The Crazzies-Intro

Close your eyes,
Imagen a tall dark haired, tan asian, who is the sweetest person you can ever meet,
A tall thin blonde, with the prettiest eyes that have ever seen, a broken soul that is full of laughter,
and a chubby curly haired girl, who thinks she is a genius and tough but in reality is as scared as everyone else around her.
Three crazies
Brought together at the worst of times
but what they don't know,
is that they are meant to help eachother.
They will go through sevrual ups and downs in their lives, will grow up and will live life.
At the end of the day no matter how incredible or saddning the day has been,
they will always have eachother.
Even though family hasn't been there for them,
They have created their own type a family,
A community that they can trust and rely on.
(I will write more about their adventures togehter when I have time this is just an intro)
_Marta_Flinn_


 

New York

Oh how I long for you,
How I miss you,
It feels like forever even though its been just a few months,
I miss the strange smells roaming the air,
Different cultures on every corner,
People never really talking to eachother on streets,
The noise of sirens rushing through the streets,
The colors of fall on the ground,
The snowflakes falling.
I miss the music that flew through the wind,
So loud you wouldn't be able to sleep,
The icky trains that took you everywhere,
And Manhattan where everything took place.
The Broadway shows, that would leave you wondering if your life could be a musical,
The craziness of Time Square,
Looking at confused faces not knowing where they are going,
Sitting on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of art enjoying a hot dog,
Watching the traffic lights go for miles,
But most of all watching the day time city become night,
Where all the lights glisen and the beauty awakens at night.
New York I love you, and miss you so much
_Marta_Flinn_

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Our age

The lovely things that come from being the ages 18 through 21.
See people call you an adult but no one is treating you like one yet.
In fact some of us feel younger than we are because so many think they can take advantage of us, They think that just because we are this age that we can be used
because we are in the area of lostness,
and not sure where we are going.
Many of us make it alive well others of us dont.
This age is not easy.
I know, my friends and I struggle each day.
Trying to find what our meaning in life is
but we still haven't found it yet.
We seek for knowledge but we can not come to the end of the road.
The one thing that we forget,
When we get lost in the madness,
The horrible things in life,
Is that we are still young,
That we aren't alone, and that we are here,
Just like everyone else.
_Marta_Flinn_

Friday, February 22, 2013

Three, Two, One

Three, two, one
Breathe,
one, two, three,
cant make it stop,
three, two, one,
the thoughts coming back,
the anxiety kicking in,
one, two, three,
I just want to sceam,
Three, two, one,
The feeling that no one cares,
Loosing grip of reality,
Forgetting who I am,
Whoosh
Theres the swing,
BOOM,
Here comes the smack,
One, two, three,
when will this end,
close my eyes and count,
Three, two, one
One more drink to fill in the emptiness in my heart,
One more smoke to make the day go by,
One, two, three
What am I?
Who am I?
Three, two, one
Here comes the end
Poem by Marta G Flinn

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Stressssssssssssssssss

OH MY GOD
WHAT THE HELL
I can barely keep my head on my shoulders
Why is my heart pounding so fast?
Is there a way to be able to BREATH
Life is going to fast.
I can't seem to keep up with the fast pace,
When I get close
It just seems to get a head start.
If I take one step back
I am lost
My hair feels like it's falling off
Feeling like I am enclosed
What do I do?
I am too young to feel this much stress,
Aren't I?
Just one thing after another,
But I am sure, I am not the only one trying to grasp for AIR
OH MY GOD
NOT THIS AGAIN
Where has the time gone,
I haven't finished
I need more time,
MORE TIME
This stress is driving me nuts
I need an outlet,
GRASP FOR AIR
STRESS, it's a creature thing
_MARTAFLINN_