Monday, April 21, 2014

To my "new" Best Friend

There is someone I have been talking to for almost a year.
He sort of just came out of no where in my life. 
I am glad he did though. 
He is a huge pain in my ass but even though he has a very strong personality, 
there is something in him that allows me to confined in him. 
He pretty much knows everything about me, 
more then the people who are supposed to be long time friends. 
Even though he gets irritated at me babbling on about both happy and depressing thoughts, 
he actually listens. 
he doesn't judge me and,
He finds some stupid ways to make me smile when I am upset. 
I care for him deeply,
Probably the first person I have been able to care for,
after the whole indecent.
He has brought back the humanity in me,
The darkness isn't there as much because of him,
and because of this,
All I want for him is the best. 
I want him to succeed. 
I want him to know there is some one here for him, 
to listen, 
to care for him.
I love him so much,
That I could not bare the thought of him not being in my life
Because even though he may not believe it, 
he is my best friend. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Alice's Last Poem (The Crazzies Alice Poem 6)

Summer like days in the spring is what I love most,
Sitting on the roof, 
With a pair of shorts
And a good book to read.
Looking out in the distance and wondering what will be,
But most of all I love
The way nature just lets it be,
There is so much beauty that we ignore,
We don't take the time to just relax,
And let it all in
What I will miss most,
Is the way the sun felt on my skin,
The way it took me away,
I don't know what will happen once I leave,
But I just hope that my friends and family will love this Earth,
Like I have loved it.
Love the simplicity of it all,
And not let the complex eat it all up,
There is just so much to live for.
So much to do.
Some day we will meet again,
But until then,
I love you. 

Sunny Spring Day

"Even though it maybe awkward at first, it gets better, you want to know why, cause the best things come out of awkwardness" (Quote by Marta Flinn)

It's a strange day out. The clouds and the sun can not decide what they want to do. In the distance of everything, the court yard of the college is full with music, blasting through the air. As college students pass back and forth looking at the commotion. But nobody really stops to see. Only those curious enough actually do.

If you stop you realize that it's an event going on, where people are socializing, getting to know one another, in other words, its a club fair. But you wouldn't know that if you were just passing by. What you would see, would seem normal for a college atmosphere. Students dancing to the hip music. People clustering near the food. Oh did some one say free ice cream! Students run to the station. You see colorful shirts being hung, for there is a booth where you can decorate a shirt and make it fabulous. And if you dear, you will find chalk. Chalk sitting there, waiting for someone to pick it up. But who would think that chalk has anything to say.

As group of friends grab some of this chalk. They find themselves creating a galaxy, with the moon, sun, and stars. There is plenty of color. As the group of friends creates their piece, people stop and look. Wondering what is being created. A few even ask if they can join in. Of course they say yes. And this turns into human interaction, where there are no phones being used or social media. Just plain, simple fun. On a beautiful sunny spring day in California. Where new friendships are being created and happiness is being spread, and hope is being given.

One Year

After running into my ex fiance today as I exited my class,
The first thing that I did was pretend that I was calling some one,
In hopes that he would not bother on saying hello.
Then a tad bit late,
My body starts to react to the encounter,
I go numb and every inch of my body is shaking,
It's been exactly one year since he cheated on me.
And my body still reacts with disgust.
The thought of him overwhelms me.
The next thing that happens is,
I try to keep it together,
Well my whole body is telling me otherwise.
I find myself running to my car,
With out even thinking.
I am driving,
And just my luck John Legend's, "All of Me" comes on the radio
And instantly I find myself drowning in my tears.
I make it home,
I instantly bang eat,
Looking for anything to eat,
And I find myself making a brownie,
Not a whole sheet of brownies but just one brownie,
I mix some peanut butter into the batter.
As I am waiting for my one brownie to bake,
Millions of thoughts run through my head,
But I look at myself and say,
You are okay,
You've made it this far,
You are strong,
and just because he cheated on you,
It doesn't mean you aren't beautiful, that you aren't a nice person
It just means that it's him who messed it up.
Look at where you are now.
You are stronger then ever,
You have goals,
Hell you've even dropped quiet a bit of weight,
You are on your way to joining the military,
You are getting things done,
You are grabbing a hold of life,
before life takes you.
You are enjoy yourself,
Treating yourself better,
You have learned to love yourself.
You've even learned from your mistakes,
You are a better person and
Eventually the thought of him or the site of him will not phase you anymore,
Because you have learned the one thing most people don't;

Self worth.

Friday, April 4, 2014

I am Worthy

This is for all the people out there who ever made me feel;


For making me think that I am not worthy of;


I will no longer let you make me feel this way.
I will no longer keep you in my life.
I am done with the negative.
With the deceiving people out there.
I am worth so much more then what comes out of your mouth.
Because I have learned to see myself in a new light.

I have learned what it is to love yourself
And with this comes letting go of those who don't

For I am who I am.
And I will not change this
Because I love who I have become.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Weight has been lifted

That moment of self distraction,
When you find out you have been holding on to nothing.
All the things you thought you knew
Aren't real anymore.
All the pain comes rushing so fast.
There's no time to breath.
No time to think.
All you can do,
Is cry.
With out really giving it much thought.
The pain in your chest, just hurts so much.
You begin to question everything.
Was it even real?
Or was it just a lie?
Did you cover up all the bad so you could just keep going
Hoping that it would get better.
That things would fix themselves.
But reality checked you.
Hit you right where it hurts.
As you begin to catch your breath again,
You realize that this moment maybe the worst ever,
But it may also be the best moment ever.
Because you are finally set free.
You can finally move forward.
And forget the past.
You can fly away,
To the distant sky

Monday, January 27, 2014

Alice's Death (The Crazzies Poem 5 Amy)

Never have I experienced such a heartbreak in my life. I never thought to stop and think, hey, just maybe I will feel this pain at my age. I just always figured this would happen years from now. When we have wrinkles on our faces and a thick sets of gray hair. But was I wrong. More wrong then I have ever been in my life.

I knew there was something wrong that Friday night. I hadn't talked to her in months. But we had this connection with each other. We knew when one of us wasn't feeling so great. Actually that whole week I felt odd, something that worried me inside. I drove by her house several times, but she was nowhere to be found.

Friday night was different. Well I was sleeping. I felt the need to gasp for air. Instantly I saw her face appear to me when I awoke. Her presence was in the room but then disappeared. I thought it was so weird. After that I couldn't sleep. She was on my mind. I was terribly worried. I couldn't figure out why I had seen her face. It would be days until I found out why this happened.

When I finally did found out why I saw her face appear in my sleep. It shocked me. As I reached for my phone to call one of her friends to see if the news was true.

She answered, as I heard her friend say, "yes it's true, she is gone." I began to sob. I could not believe it was true. I kept saying, "She was fine just a few days ago, she was fine, she was alive. It can't be true. Not my Alice, not my Alice." Everything became such a blur to me. And I hung up.

All the surrounding noises didn't seem to matter. It felt like time was still.

I tried to wrap my head around focusing on going to work.

I attempted to drive to work. But half way there, I just couldn't. I called the office and let them know the misfortune that had just happened in my life.

When I got home, the next person I called, was my ex. Because I wanted to let him know that she had passed. He had known for days. It upset me that he didn't have the decency  to tell me that my best friend was gone. The next thing he told me, would forever change my view on him. "I didn't wan to tell you, I figured if you really cared about her you would find out eventually." This pissed me off, and then he proceeded to saying, "Your strong, you can get through it alone."

When I hung up, I ran to my room. Screamed into my pillow and sunk into my bed. I didn't go out for a few hours. It took me a few days to even tell my parents what was going on in my life. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to say out loud.

I don't really believe in any higher power. But I do believe that it was her that night, when I gasped for air, trying to tell me goodbye. I told her that if she were to ever leave this world to tell me goodbye before she did. Perhaps that was her letting me know that she was no longer with us. Even if it was a bit discomforting.
I loved her more than anything. Hence, why I was so angry at my ex, for not thinking about calling me to let me know. She meant the world to me, for that girl I would of gone across the universe just to see her smile.
For her I would of done anything. Because when you love someone you would do anything, even if they never repay the favor. May you rest in peace Alice.