Recap of my past year! hahaha sorry maybe a bit depressing

So I am going to do the cliché thing and talk about the sum up of this marvelous year, 2013. How can I explain this past year? Well it was defiantly something I would not want to do again. I went through some pretty uncomfortable situations. From getting really sick in the beginning of the year. To breaking up with my fiancé, whom I had been with for a few years because he had cheated. But I think the relationship was most likely destined to fail eventually because we were on different levels. The break up I would possibly want to redo because I didn’t like the way we said goodbye. But there isn’t much I can do about that. Why? Because he won’t even talk to me now. But I suppose that is his lose, not mine. I spent many months trying to get a hold him. To be able to say what I wanted in person. But he never did respond. I saw him twice after losing my best friend to her suicide.  I was still madly in love with him. Something that he doesn’t know is the reason why I was crying when I saw him was because I could not believe how much pain we had caused each other. And how could we live with ourselves? I am not even sure if I have gotten over him. I can’t lie I think about every day. But as each day goes I think about less and less because his silence has driven me mad, and I am not sure if I want to keep going mad, or if it is even worth anymore.

My friend's suicide tore me to pieces. I never wanted her to feel the pain that she felt.I spent months with her before she decided to end her life. We made so many memories over the years. I still really miss her. Tonight I went back to where she took her last breath. It made me so upset. This place was full of many memories with her. The sky was so clear, you could see all the stars. It just made me wonder how she had the guts to end her life in such a beautiful place. I got really light headed thinking about it. I am just glad that I had a friend with me. He didn't have to be there with me but I am truly thankful that he was. It made it much easier. And it was also the first time I had actually spoken about what I was feeling. Having him there made me in a way feel safe. Safe to break down and talk about it, but of course I still had my walls up, but it is a start. I will never forget my lovely friend, who ended her life. She was too good of a soul to leave so soon. I love you Alyssa.

After my heart got “broken," not just from my ex but my best friend, I decided to join the gym. Start focusing on something other than him and her. But then I started this weird obsession with it. And am still doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel good. And I think I am starting to look more like my normal self, and less depressed.  But then this is when it got a bit too far. I decided that I will be joining the military sometime in 2014. So I started to train for this. Which I am still doing and won’t stop until I reach it.  This past year has taught me a lot. I am not sure if these lessons are good or bad, but I will find out soon enough. 

Myself

                                                   Photograph by Edenne G Flinn

                                                      Where ever you maybe on this Earth,
                                                There will always be beauty to be found
                                    Adventures to be made
                          Joy to be turned into laughter.
             Memories to be captured.
                                                     We will meet a thousand people in our life time,
                                                                 But the person we get to know best is our selves.
                                                                         So don't change who you are,
                                                                               Change your ways,
                                                                                      To a knew destination,
                                                         Where you can challenge not just your body, but mind as well.
                                            To push yourself to the limits you believed you could not,
                                Once you have reached this,
                       You will find a better understanding of who you are.
                                                                               I have no New Year's resolution.
                                                                                        I will continue to do what I have been doing,
                                                        Creating the best version of myself.


P.S. Happy New Years to everyone who reads my blog, and thank you! Hope this New Year is filled with joy! Happy Holidays

Loose Control NOW

As I smashed my hand into the wall,
I realized what a monster I had become.
What has happened to me
This isn't me.
Or is it?
Maybe I have just been taming this evil person inside of me for too long.
It's been waiting to explode,
Make people upset.
To create chaos.
Maybe madness is what I need.
The feeling of finally loosing control,
After attempting so hard to keep it cool.
But maybe I just can't anymore.
I just need the inner beast to be set free,
From the cage that has been holding it back.
Madness
Give me MADNESS
That's what I NEED
So I'll punch this wall a little harder
Scream a little louder
So that way
You will know my PAIN.
_Marta_Flinn_

His face, Her face

It's a bitter-sweet moment when you realize that you have made it through. I for one have probably had one of the worst years of my life, thus far. But I would not change what happened. Although I am still deeply hurt by plenty of the events in the past year. It has helped me view things differently. I am not yet sure if this is going to be a good thing or bad thing. Because I have honestly just begun my healing process from all the wounds. It has taken me months to just be okay, well at least barely okay. The "bad" thoughts don't run through my head as much. But both their faces still do. Their words.

His face. My ex-boyfriend, which totally sounds bizarre saying, because up until now, I haven't really refereed to him as that. I have totally ignored that phrase "ex". What does that even mean? To me it just sounds like your marking or scribbling this person out of your life. Throwing them away, like they were never there. Which I am sure he is probably doing as I write. For some weird reason, my mind wont let me forget. Or in other words, won't let me "ex" this person out of my mind. Maybe I am just crazy, or obsessed. Or even worse; still in denial about what happened. My head just can't wrap around the fact that this person, that I loved so deeply, could treat me so horrible. Then again, I wasn't that great myself, but did I deserve what happened? Sometimes it makes me wonder, that I did in fact deserve it. Because I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. I couldn't express how I felt because of all these layers that have been mounted on top of each other for years. That is probably the one thing that I regret most. Instead of opening up to him. I would get angry because he cared, and that I was not used to. Maybe that is why he confined in my best friend. Because she was a gentle soul, a caring, beautiful person. Something that I could never be.

Her face. My best friend, or at least I thought she was. I still can't believe that she did that to me. How could she? When she knew, I loved him. I wanted to marry him, have his kids, and eventually live a simple life. She, herself would tell me how lucky I was to have found someone who loved me, for me. I am not sure what went through her head. I don't want to know honestly. Every time I think of this. It just makes me so sick. The two people that I loved most in this world, did something to hurt me. And as much as I try not to remember what happened. It is so hard to do. When ever I think of her now, that horrible thing is linked to her name, engraved into my brain forever. All I want is to remember her as my best friend. The one who was there for me when no one else was. Who would do stupid things just to make me laugh. The one that would pick me up, drive around town like crazy. And listen to what I had to say. From my first pregnancy scare. To late nights at the drive-thru of Taco Bell, ordering crunchy wrap supreme.

When I found out about her death. I  was torn. So torn. Because I hadn't talked to her since the day I said goodbye, in May. My heart just couldn't stand her anymore. I couldn't trust her because she was one of the reason why my heart was so broken. And he was one of the reasons it is so broken. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just had it coming. I knew that my happiness wouldn't last forever. And I knew our relationship wasn't always good. But he was my other half and I still feel empty with out him. But maybe he was my one true love, but I wasn't his.

I  remember, I stood at the top of my stairs. I cried. Screamed even. So angry, because I had to find out that she was dead, through Facebook. He didn't even have the balls to call me, and let me know. That my best friend was dead. And I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hold her one last time. And there is nothing I can do to change it. She is gone.

So many events have happened. It's just so hard to know who I am anymore. To be honest. I had moments of doubt, I still do. I didn't think I would be okay. But I am still here. I am living. Even though it is hard at times. But I am choosing to move forward, not because I have to. But because I want to. I am moving forward because there is more out there, then the world that has surrounded me for years. Although it is uncomfortable to think about. It has made me see myself in a new light. I am not weak. I am not afraid. Why? Because I am who I am. The parts that didn't work out, don't have to be the reason why I limit myself. In fact, they are the reason why I am still moving forward. That stubbornness that probably ruined my relationship with the two most important people in my life. Is the reason why I find something to smile about once again.

Just Say It

Truth is,

I still think about you everyday

I hate it.

It drives me nuts.

The smell of you still lingers in my room even though its been months.

I cant seem to get your voice out

All the memories,

The things that were our things

How am I supposed to get over you?

The person I was going to spend the rest of my life with?

When I have all these tokens of our "love"

Get out.

My heart take it anymore.

But I don't have the courage to burn everything

To put you behind

Because you haven't said what I need to hear,
To set me free from this pain.
But I don't think you ever will.
Because you are not strong enough to say;
I don't love you anymore.